I live in a rented flat with my best friend/flatmate. We’re both still in university. We’re very close and when things are good, they’re really good. We can go weeks or months without any major fights and get along really well. But lately, we’ve been fighting a lot, and I’m starting to worry that I’m the problem — or at least a big part of it.
I know I have some difficult traits. I’m stubborn, defensive, and when I get angry, I can be very harsh. I usually realise pretty quickly when I’m being unfair or rude, and I do feel guilty afterwards. I’m also quite sensitive and easily triggered. The issue is that my friend is very sensible and often tries to guide me or stop me from making bad decisions, but sometimes she reminds me a lot of my mom. I grew up very sheltered, with my parents not really letting me make mistakes, so it always felt like they were controlling how I live my life. Now I know that you may think that's a good thing and that they were looking out for me, but how is a person supposed to know if something is a mistake when they're not allowed to decide anything for themselves? So when my friend gives me advice or tells me what I should do, I sometimes react to her the way I react to my mom — defensive, angry, and stubborn — even when I know she’s probably being reasonable.
That being said, I don’t think the issue is only me. She can be very rude to me sometimes for no clear reason, including in front of other people. I’ve told her many times that it hurts and embarrasses me when she does that, but it keeps happening. Also, when she’s angry, she often won’t tell me what’s wrong. She just ignores me completely, sometimes to the point where I feel like I’m a ghost in my own flat. That makes me anxious and hurt, and then I either shut down or react defensively, which obviously doesn’t help anything.
Recently, things got worse after I had to get a small medical procedure done. It was something that was going to hurt a lot, and she knew that. It was also a week before our final exams. She had advised me to delay it until after exams, but I had already explained why I needed to get it done then. On the day of the procedure, she didn’t come with me and slept instead. I felt really hurt because she has woken up early and gone to the hospital for another friend in the past, even for a check-up after that friend’s surgery. So I kept thinking: was I really asking for too much?
When I came back, she was still asleep in my room. I was angry and hurt, so I didn’t speak to her. Then she suddenly packed up her things and left without saying anything. When I asked what happened, she didn’t respond. We didn’t talk for the next few days even though we were living in the same flat.
Later, when I brought it up, she said she had already told me not to get the procedure before exams. I explained again why I had to do it then, but I didn’t really get an apology or any acknowledgement that maybe she could have handled it differently. I eventually let it go because I didn’t want another fight.
After that, she went home for a few days. I dropped her off and picked her up on my scooter, and things felt better again. We even went for a movie the same night she came back, and I was genuinely happy that we weren’t fighting anymore.
But after the movie, we had another fight because of something I apparently said that she described as “ballistic” in nature. I genuinely don’t remember saying anything that extreme, because from my perspective I thought I was talking normally. Then today, after not really talking properly for two days, we had another fight in front of another friend. She brought up that she barely has any space in the fridge because of my things.
I went to my room and decided not to talk. Then I thought I’d clear out some boxes of sweets my mom had made and keep them in my room so she’d have fridge space. She said they need to stay in the fridge or they’ll go bad. I said, “I know, but what choice are you giving me?” I knew I was being rude and dramatic, but in that moment I still wanted to be. I don’t really know why.
Now I’m feeling like I have toxic traits and maybe I don’t deserve friends. I know that sounds dramatic, but I’m genuinely worried that my defensiveness and anger are damaging this friendship. At the same time, I also feel hurt by some of her actions like the medical procedure thing, the silent treatment, and being spoken to rudely in front of others. I don’t want to apologise for everything just to keep the peace while pretending I wasn’t hurt too.
The thing is when we're doing fine, she's a very caring and thoughtful person. This is why I'm having trouble believing that I'm not a person who has toxic traits or is just toxic?
How do I approach this conversation with her without it turning into another fight? How do I apologise for my part while still explaining that I felt hurt too? And how do I stop reacting to her like she’s my mom when she’s actually my friend?