hi everyone. i lost my 15 year old baby girl Nikki on saturday morning 5/2 at 1am. i had her on and off for her 15 years as sometimes she would stay with my aunt since i was still in school. but the last 5 years she stayed with me everyday.
i feel so much guilt and confusion right now because i don’t feel like im ‘depressed’ enough. i’m not sulking all day like i thought i would be. i do cry when i put food out and pray for her at her altar, and random times during the day if triggered (talking out loud about it or remembering something in that specific moment) but besides that im going about my day more normal than not. i love her with my whole heart and soul and always will. i gave her the best life i possibly could and everyone is telling me the same.
did i not love her as much as i thought i do since im feeling this way? also i want to say i am very very heartbroken and devastated, but i feel like not as much as i thought i would be. i feel like a sense of relief in a way, and even saying that i feel like a terrible mom.
i see stories here and real life and they say even after years they can’t move on and are heartbroken everyday. it’s been 3 days and i feel like IM not sad enough.
i feel very confused and guilty. if anyone else has felt or currently feels this way please let me know because i feel so guilty. but maybe im also being selfish, i don’t know. please do not say anything negative or shame me, i don’t know how to navigate this.