I think disagreements over our autistic son’s needs destroyed my marriage
I’m the father of a child who is autistic (ASD I) and also has severe ADHD and am currently going through a divorce.
As painful as it is to admit, I think a major factor in the erosion of our marriage was that my wife and I fundamentally disagreed on how much support our son needs.
Over the years, I increasingly felt he needed more structure, therapies, interventions, accommodations, additional support in the home, and acknowledgment of his struggles. My wife often saw things differently and wanted him viewed more as “mainstream,” while I increasingly felt like I was watching him struggle beneath the surface.
The hardest part wasn’t even the stress itself. It was feeling like we were no longer living in the same reality, despite both loving the same child deeply.
At the same time, our actual marriage slowly disappeared. In couples therapy, my wife openly admitted she never made our marriage a priority. What hurts is that I was not asking for grand gestures, trips, or unrealistic expectations. I was asking for simple things. A cup of coffee together. Time to talk. Small moments of connection. Basic effort toward maintaining the relationship itself.
I also began struggling emotionally myself. I became depressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted by the constant stress in the home. But whenever I expressed how hard things felt, my wife often interpreted my feelings as criticism of our son or attacks on him personally. Over time, I felt like I had no space to struggle, no space to grieve, and no space to admit I was drowning too.
One of the biggest sources of resentment for me was that I repeatedly pushed for more help in the home and more support overall, especially because there is ongoing violence in the home involving our younger child during dysregulated moments. I increasingly felt we could not continue functioning without more support, while my wife resisted bringing in additional help despite us admittedly having the financial means to afford it. Over time, that resentment grew significantly.
Eventually it felt like we stopped being husband and wife and became people simply managing chaos and surviving each day.
I’m not posting this to attack my wife or suggest she doesn’t love our son. I genuinely believe we were both trying to do what we thought was best. But the chronic disagreement, isolation, emotional exhaustion, resentment, and loss of connection slowly destroyed the relationship.
I honestly feel very alone in this and was wondering whether anyone else, especially fathers, has experienced something similar.