u/JadedScholar1985

Often, I’ll be doing work and I’ll completely forget what I’m doing in the blink of an eye. My brain always feels so blank, empty, and foggy. I also catch myself unintentionally staring at work for long periods of time, and I’m unable to answer simple questions without contemplating for a while.

Before I got diagnosed, thoughts and answers came to me easily. My mind constantly gave me 10 new thoughts and answers every second, and I could remember what I want to say easily. I could finish large amounts of work within an hour. The best way to explain it is my mind was like a river, and I simply only needed to pick an idea flowing from the constant stream of ideas. These thoughts and answers kept me awake every night because they were never-ending.

Now, my mind is so blank.

Do you experience this phenomenon too? How do you overcome it? Is it related to bipolar disorder?

I was talking about professors on my college’s anonymous app, and I ended up meeting someone who happens to be on the aromantic spectrum too! We have a lot in common, and they seem incredibly nice, so I asked them if they want to be friends! Now, I have a new friend! My mom was right, you can make friends out of nowhere!

Here’s how it happened:

I posted a hot take that professors everyone says they hate are actually great professors.

I commented about why they are great professors.

Someone responds to my comment about how they like Professor [redacted] as well and talks about being a part of the LGBTQIA+ community and she was respectful of that.

I mention that I like that professor for that reason too, and say that I am glad that the professor was very respectful of their identity. I asked if other people are accepting too, because I’m aromantic and wondering how people would react to that.

They mention they are a part of the aromantic community too and talk about how it often depends on the person.

I reply enthusiastically that it’s great to meet another aromantic person and I’ve never met anyone who is aromantic at school before.

I message them privately asking if they would like to be friends because we have a lot in common.

We become friends and we share our socials!

We ended up talking for a bit before their social media time limit went into effect.

To commemorate 2 years after being discharged/diagnosed I’m telling the bits/pieces of my psych ward experience. 

Two summers ago, I went to the psych ward for an extreme manic episode. I was taken away in an ambulance after texting the local police about hikikomori and trying to run away to Japan. My dad also called the police because I was trying to run away and I was a minor. I was convinced my family was hikikomori and there was a "hikikomori pandemic" in America. For some reason, I hated America, I hated my family even more and wanted to run away. 

Later, we found out that I experienced the episode because of my excessive consumption of instant coffee. Apparently, coffee can cause mania. At one point, I was sleeping too much or not sleeping at all. It all really heavily damaged my mental health. 

I don’t remember everything that happened next. The memory of being taken in an ambulance with my dad seems stronger, so I’ll assume that’s what happened. 

Some delusions I experienced were that the constant moving to different hospitals meaning I was “passing” tests from Scythe. I was given a notebook, and I wrote IQ 4000 and “hikikomori pandemic”. I shared it with other patients/nurses, and they were shocked. 

For a week, I never left my room. I don’t even remember eating. When I finally left the room, I went into someone else’s room and took some hair ties without permission. She was alarmed when she caught me, but was understanding towards me because she was aware of my mental state (I shared the notebook with her). 

I was convinced I was in jail, and I was being punished for misusing the local police number. 

Next, I learned about the points sheet/system. You get gold, silver, or bronze depending on how much you attend events to work on self-care/being with the group. You have to ask the nurse/doctor/volunteer to sign your sheet to acknowledge you attended the event. You can use the points to get prizes/Nintendo lite time! 

I still have some of the sheets I kept from my psych ward days. I wrote SSS next to rank on one of them like it was a video game. Safe to say, I did not get points for that day! You’re supposed to turn them in! 

Surprisingly, I was very outgoing in the psych ward. My dad tells me I was popular. I shared the food I received from my parents with my friends. We also played volleyball, soccer, basketball, badminton, etc., outside for free time every day. Someone even told me I am pretty and good at basketball. When I left, I hugged all my friends and exchanged phone numbers with them. The food was surprisingly good as well! I remember this nice girl offering me her hoodie to use as a pillow when I was extremely exhausted.

The next delusion I experienced was when I told my parents this was a research facility and I needed to leave. I thought they were doing research on the patients, and I thought I had evidence. Safe to say, my parents didn’t believe me.

I had nothing when I first arrived. I was given in-patient scrubs, a comb, lotion, and socks. My parents brought me personal clothes, and some shoes, but I forgot to ask for shampoo. I was using hand soap to wash my hair for a while.

Two summers ago, I went to the psych ward for an extreme manic episode. I was taken away in an ambulance after texting the local police about hikikomori and trying to run away to Japan. I even thought I was Japanese because I saw someone who was Japanese with the same name. My dad also called the police because I was trying to run away and I was a minor. I was convinced my family were "hikikomori" and there was a "hikikomori pandemic" in America. For some reason, I hated America, I hated my family even more and wanted to run away.

Later, we found out that I might've experienced the episode because of my excessive consumption of instant coffee. I drank 2 instant coffee packets in one drink and would drink coffee every day. Apparently, coffee can cause mania. I was also either sleeping too much or not sleeping at all. At one point, I told the first responders in the ambulance I was born in 0. They thought I was joking, but I was serious.

I was moved around from hospital to hospital, and I might've been seeing things as well. I believe I saw this drink, and I asked if it was real, but I don't remember the response. When I arrived at the psych ward, I stayed in my room for a week and talked to no one. I don't remember if I was eating or not.

I believed that moving from hospital to hospital meant I was passing the tests from Scythe. I was confused as to why I stopped being moved. I thought I wasn't smart enough. I was given a notebook and wrote IQ 4000 and wrote hikikomori pandemic everywhere in the notebook thinking I would pass the next test. I even shared it with other patients expecting them to see me as a genius or something, but they were alarmed.

When I finally left my room, I realized I was missing out on so much. There were activities, learning coping strategy classes, classes that acted as school, many people to meet, and delicious food. I found out about the schedule sheet and believed it was another test from Scythe. I wrote SS in the rank part of the sheet like I was in a video game. I tried to put in SS in the signature section that shows you attended the activity.

I tried to diagnose myself and told people I was schizophrenic because I was seeing things. I played soccer, volleyball, and basketball with the other patients and they seemed to sympathize with me and want to be friends. They told me I was pretty and good at basketball. My dad told me I was popular with the other patients and made lots of friends. One girl even gave me her hoodie to use as a pillow when I got extremely tired. The other patients would watch me play soccer or basketball sometimes.

My best friends were this other girl who I would share my food when my parents brought me food from home, this other girl who I talked to when she felt sad/alone, and this male to female transgender girl who was very jokey and fun to hang out with. I made a lot of art during the activities, and she would ask me for some to hang in her room. I earned enough points from attending activities that better my mental health/teach me coping strategies to get legos and playing cards.

There was also this really nice nurse that worked there. She helped me keep my room nice and neat, and she would encourage me to take care of myself. I even told her that my childhood friend who I deluded was my boyfriend called, and she was happy for me. Soon enough, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1, but my parents refused to tell me until I left the psych ward because they were worried I'd tell all my friends.

I wanted to do something nice for all the people who supported me along the way, so we called the psych ward admin to ask if we can bring over pizza for everyone. They allowed it, and I brought the pizza for everyone. Till this day, I look back on my experience and smile. There were some incidents I didn't include because I wanted this to stay positive. However, this is what I remember, in its authentic form.