u/IrregularAquarius

I’m struggling psychologically with my grandmother’s condition and caregiving situation, and I feel very alone in this.

My grandmother is 85 and has advanced Parkinson’s disease. She can barely walk or speak anymore, and over the last years her personality has changed a lot. She has become very negative, emotionally harsh, and difficult to care for. We’ve had women caring for her at home for around 2 years, but they keep giving up because the situation is extremely demanding.

She lives next door to us, and my mom basically revolves her whole life around my grandma now. She goes there multiple times a day, organizes food, medicine, caregivers, emergencies, and constantly deals with stress and emotional pressure. Watching my mom slowly burn out is devastating.

The problem is that nursing homes in my country have a very bad reputation, and I’m genuinely terrified of neglect or abuse. So I feel trapped between: knowing the current situation is exhausting and feeling terrified and guilty about the idea of institutional care.

At the same time this whole situation has completely consumed me too.

During TTC and after going through a miscarriage, I basically emotionally abandoned myself and my relationship because I felt like my grandma’s crisis was “more important” than my own pain or life. I became depressed, joyless, emotionally numb, and my libido completely disappeared. I also had a flare of Hashimoto’s thyroiditis and had to start medication.

I’ve realized I have a huge problem with trying to fix everything and carrying emotional responsibility for everyone around me. But I genuinely don’t know how to stop without feeling selfish or guilty.

Has anyone here gone through something similar with elderly parents/grandparents, Parkinson’s, caregiver burnout, or the guilt around nursing homes? Especially in countries where elder care systems are not very trustworthy?

How did you emotionally survive this without losing yourself completely?