first translation attempt; please critique
toki a!
i’m very new to the language, but i wanted to try translating Terra by Geordie Greep
>it’s not open to the public until spring
>when the renovations are complete
jan li awen ken ala lukin e ni
lon tenpo pali sin pini ala
>it’s not a bird, not a plane, or anything
>it’s the most wonderful thing you’ve ever seen
ona li waso ala li ilo ala
ona li wawa sewi tawa sina
>my life’s work
>my dream come true
wile mi
li kama lon
>it’s the newest new in new
ni li ijo sin sewi
>at this point i’ll have to tell you what it is
>it’s the museum of human suffering
mi o toki e ni: ona li seme
ni li tomo sona pi pakala jan
>we have splayed across the foyer,
inordinately bled
>the carcass of our savior
>who rose from the dead
tomo li jo e sijelo
la loje li weka
ona li tan jan sewi
pi moli ala
>victims of drought
>and famine
>fetuses abandoned
>are waiting here to be admired
jan moli tan
telo ala
tan moku ala la
ni li awen lon tomo ni
>at the center
>set to expire
>my punctured bleeding heart of desire
pilin mi li
pakala la
ona li pana telo loje a
>just for a moment, watch me please
>watch my heart bleed, tell me
>just for a moment, give it a squeeze
>feel my disease, remember me
o lukin tawa pilin mi
tenpo lili la o lukin
tenpo lili la o luka
o awen sona, o sona e mi
>i’m able to forget in the company of others
>i’m able to forget in restaurants, on trains
>but by myself, with every breath
>every night, in every bed
>in any hotel room in the world
>she comes writhing back
lon poka jan ante la mi ken kama sona ala
tomo moku en tomo tawa li pana e ni
taso mi lape wan
tenpo pimeja ale la
lon tomo ale lon ma ale
ona kama sin
>like a talented pestilence
>she unzips the air
>blinding light emerges
>pink dark iridescent sludge everywhere
ona li tu e kon sama
ike wawa a
suno suli li kama
ko loje pimeja li lon ale
>and i say, take me to your holy land
>take me by the hand
>and would you tell me
>if i’m remembered by the saints up here
>if they’ve been to my famous museum
mi wile tawa ma sewi sina
o pana pona
o toki e ni
jan sewi ale li awen sona
e mi e tomo sona mi
>just for a second, just for a moment
>just for a minute more, tell me
>just for a second, just for a moment
>everybody please, tell me
>dig up my corpse, shake his hand
>tell yourself he was a great man
tenpo lili a, tenpo lili a
tenpo lili la o toki
tenpo lili a, tenpo lili a
jan o toki tawa mi
o alasa e sijelo mi
o toki e ni: ni li jan pona
>dig up my bones
>trepan yourself a flute
>play along to this tune
o pali e
ilo kalama
kepeken sijelo mi