I hope you know how much I loved you. I feel like I was the only person in the world that ever got to love the real you. The one I’m talking to right now. That unloved version of yourself, the little girl. The victim.
I never saw you as a victim. I saw you as a survivor who built defence mechanisms. I always understood them, no matter how ugly they were and no matter how much they hurt me. I always understood you. And despite your protestations, I always saw you. You had me a little fooled to begin with, but I got there. You are so used to having people fooled that the moment someone saw the real you, you pushed them away. Deep down you liked that I could see you, but I don’t think you trusted me. I don’t think you have ever trusted anyone with complete vulnerability. I’m honoured that I got to see and know you in ways no one else ever has. I took that for granted at the time.
I really wanted you to be vulnerable with me, but I was so forceful with it. I tried to drag that little girl kicking and screaming out into the open. I was desperate and impatient to show her that it was safe. But how could she feel safe when I was that blunt and aggressive with my love? I can’t begin to tell you just how foolish I realise that is now. I wish I had seen it at the time.
You learned to control everything and everyone as a means to keep yourself safe. I knew that. It was like seeing my younger self again. Scared little boy so desperate to never ever be hurt again. Someone who just couldn’t face those emotions. We really are both such sensitive souls.
I forgive you for trashing me in your poems. But you lied. You lied about so many things and then when you weren’t lying you were omitting context. Sometimes I wonder if you just misremembered what actually happened. I honestly didn’t think you would ever be so mean to me. I thought I was special in that sense. In the end I was just the same as every other guy you had been with and eventually hated. That little girl in you always has to be the victim. The truth doesn’t matter to her when she has lied for so long. She had to. No one could know the truth of those bruises and scars.
You met your match with me, didn’t you? You hated and loved that. I know what you were trying to do with my friend. To be honest it didn’t hurt, you just revealed her true colours. But really, I always saw them, I just didn’t want to. I am genuinely grateful to you for that, but she is your problem now. I don’t mean that spitefully, I just know what you’re in for. I always saw the games you played and I always wanted you to admit to it. If you did, I could live in the same reality as you. I get it, it isn’t easy to admit to that. But if you could have been that vulnerable, I only would’ve loved you more. I could have been allowed to love the real you.
I never got to thank you for everything you did for me. You made me feel ten feet tall. You helped me banish some ghosts and voices too. I am a more together and more confident person just from being around you. I felt so loved by you and you made me feel so special. I hope I managed to do even a fraction of that for you too. I never spoke ill of you. Even when your poems severed my jugular. That was hard I must admit.
I don’t miss the chaos, but I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss our chemistry. I miss our late night chats and keeping you up as I droned on and on. I only ever fell further in love with you with each day we spent together. Each walk we went on. Each time we had sex. It was special. It was rare. I know you felt the same way too. I know that scared you. I know that’s why you ran away so many times. You ended things because you wanted me to chase you. If I did then you would know that I truly loved you as much as you loved me. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. I was tired.
I know you’ll probably read this. I always knew even before you accidentally followed me. I thought about talking to you about it, but if you denied it, I knew I would’ve had to end things.
I will always love you. It broke my heart that we couldn’t be together. I think about you all the time. I will never stop loving you and that little girl. I love her so much. I hope one day she finds true peace.