Hey everyone. I hope that people can read my paragraph. I uhhh uhmm...well... I've been struggling...like struggling a lot with islam. I've been a Muslim since birth. And since then, everything has been forced upon me. No I don't hate being a Muslim. I know it's the truth. I've done my own research and at one time I was a really good Muslim.
But the problem is that I don't know what's going on with me. I'm slowly starting to lose interest in prayer and... I'm so sorry I'm just very ashamed to admit this. I've sinned...indulged in bad habits and made toba to Allah. I believe in him. I've spent nights crying begging Allah to make me better and just help me but...I...I don't know if it's working. I'm slowly losing myself. I don't know what to do. I try my best to help others and be the positive one but I've become extremely suicidal since the start of this year. The pressure from the family side for career and being a better Muslim is too much... I always hear "get up and pray". There is just no meaning behind it. They want me to pray mindlessly. I'm too ashamed to go in front of Allah again...I know he will forgive me but I've done this so many times and I can't break the cycle...I don't feel much emotion now. I'm more than grateful to Allah for everything but I'm so scared...I don't feel the "connection" I once had with him. I don't do much of these religious acts and it's tearing me apart. I'm so close to ending it all...I hate that I can't talk with a single soul about my problems..."just pray"... that's all I hear. I don't want to go to hell. I just want help. I don't know what help I want but I'm so done with this. I've asked Allah a hundred times to make me close to him but it's not working... I'm so ashamed if I've lost my Iman. I know Islam is the truth and I just want to be better. I'm sorry