I have felt that I am always the one who gives a lot in friendships, and am never matched in initiative. I remember details about others, their boundaries, inquired about their hobbies. Basically, I have always been very active from the get go. Yet I was always the one people never actually chose, and was never asked about anything in return. Not to mention always having been criticized for my boundaries (such as that I don't party, I have a chronic illness, etc).
I havee found myself in one sided relationships way too often. Once, I had online friends, and at some point was the only one writing in the chat for like 2 years. This is also when I realized I likely have grown a deep fear of abandonment.
I have lately realized that, my lifelong quote of "I can be friends with anyone", has been only harming me in turn of making others comfortable. I always see if others are lonely, and try to fill that emptiness for them, but then no one has ever seen me. I always start friendships perhaps oversharing, or being very active talker and chatter. Now I see that, if I had only paced myself slower with opening up, and how much initiative I give, I could have seen earlier that a relationship is going to be very surfaced. It's basically like I'm trying to heal my own loneliness by making others feel seen, and then am confused why I don't get this in return. I think it has ruined my confidence, because I mistake their lack of matching by vibe for not liking me. To think of, maybe some people find it scary how quickly I open.
I have become so burned out by these relations drifting off, and never had an actual close friend my entire life, that I have been physically sighing at the thought of trying to seek out people. Even trying to join hobby groups and things. That was until the relaisation made today, while trying to detail a plan a "friend" of mine invited me too, and her responding one sentence per hour on snap... That I would have not been so anxious about how people respond to me, and sometimes don't, if I had simply not given so much myself in the first place.
It only took me my entire lifetime to see this, or I think this is the answer to it? Does anyone else relate, or might the issue lay elsewhere?