Personal story
Since the middle of middle school I've always felt empty and for a long time I thought it was depression
I'm beginning to realize that a lot of "bad things" I've done were the result of my fear of being rejected or abandoned, especially my first 'relationship' in high school where the fear of them pulling away was so great I've isolated myself for 3 month not seeing anyone.
Then in college I had the same pattern happen again and one of my friends told another one of my friends «[my name] sometimes disappears and appears it's just their personality».
I always thought I had anxiety or depression but that single sentence struck me, since then [5 month ago] I have been questioning myself and now I'm pretty sure I have BPD (nothing confirmed).
I tried to read some story in the BDPlovedone sub and all stories were relatable, except I was the "bad guy" and it hurt so much while reading I had to close the sub because I felt like I was gonna break my hand due to how tense I was.
I have not talked about this to anyone because I don't want the people I know to suddenly be wary of everything they say or do around me.
I'm not sure how to bring this to the table with my psychiatrist, I realize all the hurt I've done to others and want to change but neuroleptics scare me. Seroquel knocks me out like nothing else and Loxapac sent me straight to the hospital.