u/Informal_Pepper_8566

Please kiss me. Deeply. Until we're both breathless.

Please thread your fingers through my hair.

Please wrap your hands around my waist, making that groan of need deep in your chest.

Please just claim me. Body and soul.

I know it's hard for you to leave, after.

But I'm dying with need for you.

Please save me.

You're making small talk, the sound of your voice, the most soothing and sensual sound to my ears.

(My hand twitches for your touch)

You're as rigid as stone, your expression guarded and unsure.

(My chest heaves with need and anticipation)

You reach out and take my hand.

(My eyes track the movement, an easy smile on my lips to hide the sheer desire inside)

You give me a small half smile and glance over at me while your thumb absendmindely strokes the back of my hand.

( Kiss me. Hold me. Take me. Devour me. Please, oh please just call me yours.)

"This was nice." You say, your other hand turning us into the lane that will take us home and onward to our separate lives.

(Please just look at me. I need your lips against mine, to feel your heart under my hands. Please make me forget all but your voice in my ear.)

I nod, cheeks tight with the unnatural smile that I wear.

"It was. Thank you for a wonderful morning."

(I want those hands wrapped around my waist, my neck, my wrists.)

You pull me in for a hug. I can feel every muscle, every vein. The contours of you fit so very perfectly with mine.

(Noise. Just noise in my head as I squeeze you tighter, silently begging for more contact.)

All too soon, the embrace is broken, your hand guiding me away. You bestow a swift and chaste kiss on my lips, and brow.

"I love you. Be safe."

The whole drive home, the entire evening, the long hours as sleep evades me- you will be right there. Groans in my ears, hands around my thighs, the hardness of your body against mine.

I think I'll go mad with need for you. Please don't keep me away for too long.

I've been fucked over, a lot. Like you and everyone else, I've been lied to, betrayed, and abandoned. I've been hurt, physically and emotionally, over and over again. I can't tell you how many times I've picked up the pieces.

But for all of my accomplishments, for the golden glow that surrounds me and my "life"- I'm far from perfect. I've been presented with many crossroads, and I've chosen the wrong path many times.

I left a bad man for an even worse one. That one ended up breaking my heart- talk about karma, right?

I didn't want to abandon another, so I stuck it out, with the hopes he would change for me. He didn't. Or for our daughter. He didn't, and now my evenings are filled with screaming and chaos.

I haven't known peace in years. But I did this to myself. I chose to stay. I chose to keep moving forward. I chose.

I see you- I see your flaws and quirks. I see the quiet way you care, and the way you always have goodness inside you, no matter how many times the world lets you down.

I see the way you smile at me. The way your eyes meet mine, in that quiet knowing silence. I see how you are me, and I'm you. You've probably made some bad decisions too.

But I can't make another. My little girl needs me, and if I go now, she will only have me part of the time. She's with me always now. And I still have to actively protect her from the man that should be making her feel safe.

I never had safety. Since I was very small, I've been on my own. My own family attacked me, for years, unable to claw their way out of their own trauma. Inflicting it on everyone on their path. I won't let that happen to her. I am her safe space, her island. She takes on every single day as a new adventure, taking up space, and being unapologetically herself. She is my greatest accomplishment.

How I yearn to feel that safety. For someone to feed me, care for me, and hold me. What I wouldn't give to feel your strong, capable arms wrapped around mine, to relinquish the ever-present chain of control, and let someone else take over. My skin is scarred, my body is breaking down. My face is lined and marred, my knuckles swollen and stiff. I'm so tired of working. Of moving every minute of the day, just to take care of everyone else. I'm no longer a daisy-fresh girl, perky and bright. My expression is haunted and suspicious, my eyes dulled, mouth grim. I often wonder what it is that you see, for you to smile at me that way.

But it doesn't matter. Because I can't mess up again. It's not just my life that will be ruined by the totality of what we could become. So I will have to be content with basking in the glow of your goodness. I thought my heart had long grown cold until I saw your eyes crinkle around the corners when you laughed. Oh, how I adore those many crinkles. How I adore that laugh.

I can't allow myself to mess up again. But what a perfectly wonderful mistake you would be.