Worried I am breaking my son
I am a 29 year old male and I have an 8 year old son who I am pretty hard on. I expect a lot out of him and I don't think he's currently strong enough to handle those expectations. He deals with things that most other kids don't that he can't control. he has a microdeletion of one of his chromosomes that causes delays in learning and things like that. it gave him a vsd that he needed to have surgically repaired at 5 weeks old (irrelevent now as hes perfectly healthy). He is in the 3rd and 5th percentile as far as height and weight goes. Super small for his age which affects his abilities in sports like football and basketball. He struggles at baseball as well. His hands are legit to small to close his glove and he doesn't hit well. When I say I'm hard on him I mean in other ways. I don't care if hes not good at sports. It doesn't bother me at all. What bothers me is when he goofs around or isn't trying his best.
There is one "sport" hes pretty good at and thats jiu jitsu. He received his grey belt around Christmas and is constantly praised by his teachers and other parents who see him work. To me this comes with certain expectations. I expect him to he good and pay attention in class. I expect him to be a role model as the younger kids look up to him. He has these class clown moments that piss me off. He'll sometimes struggle against kids that he should respectfully demolish. He forgets simple techniques (kimura, armbar) that he learned years ago leaving him unable to finish from the top. Hes began doing the rnc wrong even though its always been his best sub. I expect him to perform at a level that I know he is capable of and when he falls under it it makes me mad. I threaten to take his playstation and ipad. I tell him that he needs to learn and remember these things. I've used words like embarrassing to describe his performance. This was what I said to him yesterday after struggling against a kid who had only been there 2 weeks.
He broke down at home crying uncontrollably for a few minutes. I tell him I love him constantly. 10-15x a day. He has a good life. Hes got great family and friends, his ps5 and ipad, he loves sports and being active. We don't ground him. I no longer smack him which rarely ever happened at all to begin with. I only know what I know. How I grew up. My dad was hard on me. He would ground me, hit me, and love him. He always told me he loved me and he mostly was a good dad. He was also a violent man with a temper. I loved him and was terrified of him. I could barely do right in his eyes. I know he just wanted me to be tough and be a better man. This is a mans world. we're expected to be strong. I don't want to raise my son to be a whiny little girl.
I'm a lot like my father. I have a very short temple, and I can be violent (not physically to other people). I'm hateful, mean, and I yell a lot. I treat my wife poorly a lot and he sees and hears that. This is all I know. The cycle continues and I dont know how to be different. I'm worried he no longer loves doing certain activities because hes worried its always gonna end with me mad at him. I tell him not to be like me which is crazy i guess. I want him to be better than me. Sometimes I feel like I am broken. The traumatic experiences from my childhood have fucked me up. I know its not an excuse but Im not strong enough to change it. I hear him be mean and disrespectful sometimes. All this he learns from me. Hes also sweet and caring. This from his mother.
I feel like I said so much and yet so little but Im not great at organizing my thought. i love my boy to death and I want him to be the best he can be. I just dont think he can handle the way I go about it. I ended up estranged from my dad mostly and lost the love and respect I had for him. It would kill me to end up in the same place with my son. i don't know why I'm so miserable and hateful. i volunteer to coach football baseball and basketball. Parents love me and talk about how I do great work for these league and for the kids. People think im a great husband and father and I dont know if I am. The cycle continues