I'd really like to know the rationale behind multiple unexplained hardships in my life. Can't afford a professional, any tips/experiences of someone who did it all by themselves?
Age 38 | AMH 0.9 | AFC last cycle 12 | On Thyroid medication | Was prediabetic now HB1AC in normal range, on Metformin and low dairy anti inflammatory diet | Physical activity : Active, I Walk atleast 5k steps daily and fertility yoga 4 times a week
Seems like my identity these days is the above line. I'm not longer a person, I'm just stats.
Brief history:
From birth till age 32 : Lived in chronic stress. Was an unwanted, unplanned girl child bullied by father for being short, for being fat, for being hairy and dumb. Mother had undiagnosed mental illness and abusive marriage made it worse and till the time she didn't start her meds she was manipulative and cruel towards me. I became financially independent quite early in life and made a decent living. Had no knowledge about fertility. Had no one to guide me. I come from small town where everyone believed that kids are something that automatically follow once you get married. Fertility treatments were unheard of.
Age 33: I met a decent guy who was nice. His family was amazing and loved me like their own daughter. His father is the father I always deserved but never had. Got married to him in Jan 2021 and lost him in May 2021 to COVID right when we were starting to have conversations around starting a family.
Age 33 to 34 : Continued to live with my ex's family. Fulfilled all duties as a daughter of the family, started therapy. Got a better job. Noticed my periods getting shorter and lighter so decided to go for egg freezing. 2 rounds with 16 eggs. My side of family was dead against it and opposed it as an unnatural thing and wanted me to just meet a guy and marry to start a family. I took my time and froze eggs and started dating only when I was ready.
Age 35: I meet my future husband. We date for about 2.5 years while he went through his messy divorce. Didn't worry about biological clock ticking as I already had eggs on the ice.
Age 37: We got married. For the first time in my life, everything seemed normal. We visited my fertility clinic and started pre-natals. We were advised to try natural conception as I had eggs as a backup.
Around the same time, at work, my colleague got promoted as my boss. For some reason, she was hell bent on spoiling my career and it was getting extremely toxic. I finally decided to quit my job and while I was on my notice period I discovered that I had conceived naturally. Seemed like the perfect timing and I was happily looking forward to motherhood.
Around week 5, we discovered my Beta HCG levels didn't rise above 750. There was just a gestational sac and a tiny yolk sac but no fetal pole or heartbeat. We waited for another week, took progesterone support but it was a missed miscarriage. i was given oral and vaginal pills and in great pain 1.5 days later I passed a tiny placenta like tissue attached to a small mass.
While I was still processing the loss, had to rush to my hometown as my grandmother (the only stable mother figure while growing up for me) was on deathbed and my mother had stopped her psychiatric meds and was at an all time high maniac episode. Thankfully grandmother recovered and my aunt took her for a few months to nurse her back to health. I stayed back for a month, got my mother back on meds and also got to know that she was on stage 5 renal failure. Got her treatment started and supported her financially (still do).
Nov 2025 to March 2026 : Fertility clinic started acting shady and demanding 2X. Verbally commited to a quote and abruptly changed rates on the date of procedure
1 IUI unsuccessful in Nov 2025
IVF March 2026 : out of 16 eggs, 10 survived the thaw, 7 fertilized, 3 embryos, 2 transferred on day 3 (6 celled) last one we wanted to convert to blastocyst and do genetic testing and freeze as a backup. It didnt make it to blastocyst and my IVF was unsuccessful too. Just got Beta HCG yesterday and I'm not pregnant. It sucks because I felt different. I had one side cramping, extreme thirst, flutter in stomach (similar to the time I had conceived naturally) and I thought odds were in my favour as I was using frozen eggs.
Yesterday went to 2 different doctors.
Doctor 1 : Renowned gynecologist with 28 years of experience. Looked at my stats and said IVF is the only option. Referred me to fertility department. That doctor had left for the day so would meet her next week.
Doctor 2: Took all the history. Asked me to get Vit D and Lipid profile blood test (which I will do in a day or two) Asked me to get reports from my clinic from egg freezing to IVF (turns out they didnt give proper records like embryology report for my eggs) Asked me to not lose hope and try naturally for 3 months and see. She also suggested hysteroscopy as a diagnostic tool before we consider IVF round 2
It all seems like a nightmare. All I wanted was a normal life, never had great expectations from life anyway but I keep fighting for my happily ever after and everything seems to be really tough for me. My husband is supportive and doesn't mind if we dont have kids but I feel like a complete failure. He always wanted to be a dad. We are currently fostering a dog and I see him being a great dog dad, I feel I'm depriving him of the joy of fatherhood as his reports are all normal.
Some people say "Dont worry, surrender to life and compromise" some say "don't worry it'll happen in god's time" others say "be grateful atleast you have a supportive partner".
I get it all but in this moment it really feels unfair and hard. Sorry for the long rant, I woke up in the middle of the night and couldnt sleep and just had to get this out of system.