Four years ago, at 24, I matched with a Chinese girl on a dating app and instantly developed an insane crush. But when we actually talked, she seemed boring and I figured the cultural differences were too big, so I moved on and started dating other people.
A year later, I kept seeing her Instagram stories and became obsessed with how beautiful and fun her life looked. I convinced myself I had missed a massive opportunity. I even started dating one of her acquaintances (who was also very attractive), I matched with that girl on a dating app by accident, partly to stay close to my LO and maybe replace her. That relationship became extremely toxic and on-and-off, fueled by my obsession.
When I heard my LO had a boyfriend (who my girlfriend called an “ugly loser”), I had a full breakdown, panic, dread, and this overwhelming feeling that I was living in the wrong reality. I spent months fantasizing about what I “should have done” differently. This whole mess got tangled with my porn addiction and a strong fetish I developed for Asian women which I feel extremely ashamed off...
That relationship finally ended painfully when I was 26. I moved, started healing, and thought I was over it.
Now at 28, I have a great new girlfriend, we bought a house together, and life is objectively good. But with the stress of a new job and big life changes, the limerence has come back stronger than ever. I keep feeling like I’m trapped in a nightmare while the fantasy version of her is perfect. It hits hardest when I’m alone or with my current girlfriend. Only running or being around friends seems to quiet it down.
I haven’t looked at her pictures in years and I start therapy in 20 days, but the thoughts are making it hard to get through the day. I genuinely wish I had never matched with her or added her on Instagram.
Has anyone else dealt with limerence this stubborn? How do you break the fantasy when your brain keeps telling you that you missed “the one”?
Any advice is welcome.