How do I save my friendship?
I (19F) am in a trio friendship with N (21F) and S (20F). S is not involved in this situation.
About a week ago, N invited me over to drink with her, her boyfriend (let’s call him F) and his friend on the rooftop of her building. I agreed to go because I thought I wouldn’t stay long since I wasn’t drinking.
Usually when they drink the atmosphere is loud and fun but that day the vibes felt very off from the moment I sat down. Everyone was quiet and tense. I kept asking N what was wrong and she laughed it off saying they had just started drinking and weren’t drunk yet.
A little later, she casually announced that she and F had broken up. I wasn’t shocked because they break up and get back together constantly as they're in an extremely toxic relationship.
So as time passed, they started throwing subtle jabs at each other which then quickly escalated into a serious argument. The turning point was when N played a voice message F had sent her earlier. It was extremely nasty he was cussing her out with words I can barely imagine saying to another person. Honestly, I wasn’t even surprised hearing all that because their relationship has been toxic for years and I’ve become desensitized to it.
After that things completely blew up. They both started screaming horrible things at each other. At one point, F spat on N.
I had been looking down because I was already overwhelmed, but when I heard it and looked up N immediately showed me that he had spat at her. And that genuinely shocked me. My brain kind of shut down after that, and I couldn’t properly process what was happening.
I tried calming things down and repeatedly told N to leave with me. I nudged her, tried taking the drink away from her and told her she shouldn’t stay there anymore. She brushed me off every single time. And to note that they were also getting somewhat physical with each other.
Part of me got really triggered during their fight though I don’t fully understand why. The only comparison I can make is that if my parents fought this badly I'd start crying. But here, instead of crying, my mind just completely shut down. My mind was completely blank.
Eventually, after trying multiple times to get her to leave and being ignored I just got up and left because I genuinely could not handle the screaming and verbal abuse anymore. Before leaving I only told F’s friend to make sure they didn’t hit each other.
Now this is where the real issue starts.
N feels humiliated and abandoned because I left abruptly instead of staying with her. About an hour later after she got home she sent me voice messages crying, saying she hates me, that I abandoned her, and that our trio friendship is over.
It has now been over a week and she refuses to talk things out with me. We’ve been friends for almost 8 years, and throughout our friendship we’ve always sat down, communicated, and worked through problems together. But this time she says I hurt her too deeply and that she no longer sees me the same way.
I do think I handled the situation badly. I probably should have communicated more clearly before leaving instead of walking out abruptly. But at the same time, I don’t think I was obligated to stay there after repeatedly trying to get her out of that environment while she refused to leave. I also don’t think it was my responsibility to manage their violent argument.
Right now, all I want is to talk things out and try to repair the friendship but she doesn’t want to communicate at all. I genuinely feel like our decade long friendship might be ending or permanently damaged, and I really want advice on how to save it.
What should I do?