Where to go from here?
I'm tired. She let me know about her PMDD early on and I'll be honest, I did not do a good job of educating myself. She has told me when the lutheal phase is coming, and when it's here, and I haven't done a good job of doing what she needs during that time. She's told me what she needs, and in a perfect world I'd love to provide that to her, but when she yells, it's triggers the hell out of me. I try to be as supportive as I can, try to listen to her endless rants, her anxiety, and be there for her but it's exhausting. I care about her alot but this is destroying me as a person. I've tried to do what she asks me to but the next time it comes what she wants changes. And then it turns on me. Every month we have a huge blow up fight with her telling me it's the last time and that's she's done and me begging her to not be. Me just reiterating to her that we can work on it, I'll do better, I'll be better. Then half the month im the most amazing thing that's happened to her. I cannot tolerate yelling. I won't tolerate yelling. To her, yelling is part of life. I'm not perfect, I've yelled at her when it's gone too far, for which I apologize every time. I know PMDD is not something she can control. She knows yelling is a huge trigger for me, and yet I get no apology. I see so much promise on the good weeks, but the bad ones are just starting to take over my brain. She belittles me, mocks me, says we are incompatible. I say I need space because I don't want to fight and I'm not allowed it. "If you take space when I need you most we are done." She says. Why can't she recognize that she needs space. I get so angry. I know it's a disease and not her but I can't take it anymore. We have tried having conversations outside of luteal, and this last month I thought we turned a corner. Then luteal combined with big stressors in her life unleashed a rage on me that I've never seen before. All because I wasn't helping her in the exact way she wanted. I asked for clarification on something she asked me to do and she flipped out. I kept my cool at this point and was trying to regulate myself. She didn't like my energy and it was like gasoline on a fire. I was trying to keep the situation calm and apologize, reassure that I am here to help and I want to help, let's drop it, and let me help. But no she kept trying to escalate while screaming at me. Then it became disrespectful and I'll be honest, I lost my cool. I didn't want that to happen. I felt terrible. I wanted to be there for her and to help her. I left because she told me to go. Then she called back and said to come back and apologize, I thought this was an opportunity to smooth things out. It was not. She was upset that I took to long to come back and missed my chance. Then 2 hours on the phone about how terrible I am. Then the next day 3 hours on the phone on how terrible I am. The whole time blaming me for her state. I just wanted to get through it so I agreed. Kept apologizing. Didn't raise my voice. I just wanted the ranting to end. When I thought it would she would go off about something else. She threatens to end things all the time, I never have. She mocks me, talks down to me, and tells me I'm a shitty person. I have never done that to her. But I am destroyed. I think about this for days after it happens. Is there hope? Do I end things? It's so confusing. I feel like I am depressed due to this. I feel like I'm losing my mind.