Remember when Gap Years were a thing?
When I was younger, I would fantasize about life after college. In the early 2000s, all the characters I adored who went to college were always given the option to 'find themselves' once their studies were through. I was sold! I dreamed about going off to school, getting an education, and then taking a year to learn about the world...
...Until I grew up and realized I would have to go to community college first if I wanted to live without debt. At age 13, I realized that dreaming was stupid. It wasn't until age 25 I began dreaming again....and Jesus does it make me mad that people think that means that I'm an idiot for wanting more than the grind.
I have worked my ass off during college (professional jobs, part-time jobs, internships, etc.) I've been unemployed for a few months after graduating early and it feels like everyone is on my ass about being viewed as 'lazy.' My dad reminded me that I'm going to fall behind in the job market if I don't find work this year. I graduated in December. I brought up internships/work exhange programs and he said that 'wouldn't be enough for my professional career.'
I AM SO BURNT OUT. I WORKED FOR ~70+ HOURS FOR ~6 YEARS TO GET TWO DEGREES. I have 3+ years experience in my industry due to freelancing. I worked for YouTube studios that would require 100+ page scripts to be done within 12 hours of assignment. I was laid for the first time AND IT HAPPENED TWICE. It was two different jobs! I had 18+ credit hours for the last two years because the government made it illegal for me to USE THE BATHROOM AT MY UNIVERSITY (FTM Transgender). There were days I didn't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time...but in the views of my father and employers, it still isn't enough. I should have found something immediately. Those things didn't count as 'work' because I was in school. The scripts I wrote weren't professional since it was a web series no one knows about. I didn't make any 'real' money off of it. Bleh.
I feel like I'm being viewed as lazy because I wanted to take a break. While my dad comes from a place of worry (over everything), the longer I stay out of any work the more people begin looking down on me. HE even wanted me to take a break, but once it hit March the questions began. I'm already stressed because of money but thank you for reminding me how much more shit I need to get done. I didn't even have a summer break for those years (if I did it would have been 2-4 week breaks!) My Dad didn't even begin working out of college, but he has no problem reminding me where I'm falling behind.
I've also been super busy getting the house cleaned, health issues and other life events that involved international travel. It's felt like I haven't even had time to sit and think about what I want to do with my life until March. I JUST figured out that how I was getting work done in school is doing me a disservice (even if it was a positive for the project). I figured out I was making myself sick, but I'm apparently suppose to jump right back into it? I'm just suppose to make myself sick and work my creativity to death just so Mr. Big Bucks will take my story and rip it up into a million pieces to make it more 'marketable?'
The worst part? I'M upset at myself. I had it on a whiteboard that I would begin finding work on February 23rd. I had initially only gave myself three months (starting December 25). You know what I was doing that day? Getting over a gallbladder flare up (a new diagnosis!) and sobbing because I was so goddamn overwhelmed at how useless I was. It didn't matter the amount of awards I had. I felt like I was a stain on society because I hadn't found a job and was getting explosive panic attacks when I applied. I want to find work. I have been looking for work. I'm just so goddamn tired. I'm not even 30 yet. I felt like I wasted my early 20s, even when it was all productive work.
I haven't even taken a full semester off until the questions began. Why am I not allowed to rest? Why am I not allowed to figure out what I want to do with my life? Why am I suppose to be okay with people using me for profit? What makes me unhirable for taking a gap semester/year/etc when students 20 years ago could do the same?
I am super lucky right now to be able to breathe just for a little bit. I want to thank my mom for letting me rest. She's the only one who hasn't bombarded me with questions regarding my future. She seems to be the only one to remember what gap years were, and it feels like she is the only one in my life who understands how truly exhausted I am. I've only recently felt like I've caught up on sleep so....thank you Mom. I will continue to try and not to tie my self worth to the amount of money I make for a CEO. Thank you for letting me figure myself out so I can know my worth. I love you.
I hope all of you get rest too. We all deserve it.