Social isolation, missing memories, parentification, religious trauma
I (29F) haven't ever fully been able to explain my experience to anyone, and have them resonate. It often feels "not bad enough" or just enough on the edge of normal to not count. I'm hoping I can share my story perhaps for a little validation that this was abuse. (Side note I am in EMDR for treatment and have a CPTSD diagnosis. I am also autistic.)
So I was raised in a pretty large Catholic family. I'm the eldest of 6 kids, and my mom divorced my dad when I was 2. She raised me with her new husband, and proceeded to have the rest of the kids with him. I saw my dads on weekends throughout my childhood and he was a safe place for me.
Once my mom and stepdad had gotten deeper into Catholicism, they pulled us out of school. We lived out in a remote area and had to travel a couple hours in any direction to do anything. So our only real connection with others was church or going to the grocery store. This became our normal, but my mom heavily discouraged us from talking to or meeting other children. What resulted was us living in our home, following strict religious beliefs, and not ever being able to speak with other kids.
It did start of feeling fairly normal and we even went to some homeschool co-ops. My mom had intentions to homeschool us very actively, but over time I ended up taking over most of the responsibilities. I graded the work, I taught myself completely from third grade on while also teaching the other kids, I learned through reading and library books, but never had anyone else teach me or explain anything to me. I was on my own. Eventually we had to move to very small trailers due to financial reasons.
My mom spent a lot of time either in her room or ordering us to do housework. We received very little affection from her, but birthdays and Christmas were kept.
I eventually took on a ton of responsibility when I became a teenager. My mom got into an injury and mysteriously stayed on prescription pain killers for multiple years which led to her being held in a mental institution of some sort for a week (no one explained this to us I just took care of the kids in the house on my own for a week). I went into a heavy heavy depression and dissociation myself just due to how overwhelming the environment was. The isolation was much worse during this stage and without the internet I wouldn't have made it because at least I had online friends. I barely remember anything except the sense of dread I had at all times. My stepdad would go after me with verbal attacks randomly like I was a punching bag he could take out his rage on. His words never made any sense to me it was clear he was inconsolably angry that I existed. He never did this to the other children, just me. Mind you I was genuinely a very good child and bc of my autism (late diagnosed) took Christian principles very seriously and followed them to the tee. I rarely ever fucked up and if I did it was something like forgetting to switch the laundry. Throughout even into my adulthood he left rooms when I showed up, talked badly about me behind my back, and refused to eat dinner at a the table when I was there. He would audibly groan and roll his eyes when I showed up.
I do sometimes have suspicion of further abuse from my stepdad due to me always being very afraid of him and having missing memories of my door opening at night. I've had a fear of going to bed most of my life. I don't know whether this is worth looking into more or how I would even do that. EMDR hasn't brought up specific memories of that yet, but I've only done a couple sessions so far.
Sorry if this was too long. Thank you for any input you have I truly appreciate it. Also open to any questions!