A 16 year old dude asking for your advice and answers. Please help if you can.
Heyo. I’m just gonna cut straight to the chase.
I’m a 16 year old male, and have been dealing with a porn addiction since I was 10. I remember when I was maybe five - six I was exposed by furry fetish art compilations on YouTube of all places. for some reason I was captivated by it, despite not understanding it. My parents are good people, but they never really paid good attention to my online activity at all.
Skip to when I was 10, and I instantly got hooked onto rule 34. Quickly got hooked straight into the bizarre and fetishy stuff. From the ages 11 - 14, I looked at some pretty fucked up stuff, basically anything you could imagine asides from actual real, illegal stuff. Also around the time of 14, I learned about Nofap and stuff, but I wasn’t even doing it for the benefit of escaping, rather I was doing it so I could come back months later and get a good dopamine release.
By the time I turned 15 though, I was well aware of the actual damages, and I wanted to get out. Around the time, I was also struck by POCD, regarding all the things I did. But that’s a whole other can of worms.
I remember relapsing months after I turned 15 to something yet again really fucked up. I don’t even know why I did it. I think it was a compulsion, and I think I was high. I’m not sure, but whatever it is, it can’t be changed.
As I’m writing this I feel like these paragraphs are just yapping, so I just wanna know. How do I get out of this hellhole? Well I think I know, but it’s hard because I just feel so alone in this.
I’ve gotten to 90 days once. When I did start doing NoFap, I was doing pretty good but a bit after I turned 15 I just couldn’t even hold a week, and I still can’t.
I’ve been free since I think Friday, but I am so tired of being this way. It’s the way I was conditioned after all.
I told my parents about my porn addiction, and at first they thought I was being silly, but as I started to tell them more they understood more. Despite that, I feel like they’re not really any help. I think my average anymore is 6 days. I know recovery isn’t a straight line, and I‘m well aware of my progress. I’ve changed so much since I was 14 and I’m honestly a bit proud. I know I have the power to break free, and I’m scared that one day again I’ll go back to porn and fap to something really bad.
I‘m still stressing about what I did. I’ve managed to forgive myself for pretty much all though, even if I’m not sure I deserve that forgiveness.
I noticed my relapses usually happen at nighttime, and usually but oddly after I get home from hanging out with my best friend (who’s also my cousin, he’s like a brother to me) or running errands.
Sometimes when an urge comes up, I can quickly evade. other times though, it feels like all my logic is thrown out the window. And once I type those magic words into google, I can’t help but feel a deep sense of disappointment. And I go the full mile, usually lasting from that night to maybe even a week of relapsing.
I’ve tried just simply masturbating in the shower with no other sensory, not even trying fantasize in my head, but that just always leads me back to porn.
I don’t even honestly know what I’m asking for help. I’ve been through so much bullshit these past couple years, and it’s all a hell of my own making and that makes me wanna cry. I hate how I got hooked onto this stuff, I hate how I had such disgusting thoughts, and I hate how I can’t escape. All these mental issues just stack, leading to a loop of relapsing to porn, having an episode about my OCD, or daydreaming. I wanna live a life carefree. I wanna be free. I wanna be able to live in the moment, while always looking forward to what’s next in life.
I wish I never got exposed. I wish I wasn’t the way I was. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for all of you too dealing with this.
If you got any advice, please let me know. I’m sorry if these paragraphs are confusing to read. I’m not good at writing, nor grammar.
Thank you so much if you read this far.