Anxiety is literally ruining my life
(M 25). I am struggling with anxiety literally my whole life, next to that i have AuDHD and OCD, i didn't realize how bad it is until 2 or 3 years ago when close friend of mine that i met around that time pointed out about my body posture, nail bitting, fidgeting, shaking when i hear loud voices, me recording with my phone if i locked the door properly, close windows, turn my oven off etc. I grew up in a very very "bad" household where my parents argued every single day in front of me, where we had money struggles and where half of our family hated each other, i was shy and quiet my whole life and never really stood up for myself in any situation, i just folded and said that i am wrong just so arguing or anything would just stop because i would physically shake and start crying if anyone just raises their voice a little bit at me, my parents never knew how to "support" me in these times when i was a kid (and to be fair they didn't know about 99% of stuff that was happening because i was hiding it, i didn't want anyone to know about this), whenever i told anyone about any of these stuff back then they would just tell me "everything will be fine" or "grow a pair" etc, so i just gaslighted myself into thinking everything will be okay. And i ended up with barely remembering my childhood, most of stuff i remember were my parents arguing and few nice moments that happened when i was little. After that i ended up in a abusive friend group where everyone used my goodness against me to emotionally manipulate me, talk down on me in a friend group to make themselves look cool. For most of my life i closed myself alone because i love when no one ask me anything or make me do anything because i can't disappoint anyone or mess something up to make someone mad at me. Now i got to a point when my body physically hurts when i feel anxiety or panic about anything my heart starts hurting physically, my stomach, and i start shaking literally. This started affecting my work, my family life, my time with friends, and most importantly to me, my alone time, i don't enjoy myself when i feel like i messed something up or i will mess something up. For example, i didn't sleep, my heart and stomach hurt for one whole month because i had to do driving lessons at the end of the month, after i finished that, my enjoyment of driving and everything about that just vanished and i never felt same about driving. I don't want to go to psychiatrist because it's expensive where i live, and because i know what he will tell me, i know what problems are, i theoretically know how to fix them, but i just can't do that I'm not strong enough apparently. I don't want to take medications for this because I think I'm still to young to be dependent on them. Did anyone struggle with similar stuff and what did you do to help yourself...? Thanks for reading!