I feel like I killed my dog, I need help
My best friend of 15.5 years died last night and I feel like I'm responsible. A few months ago, she started walking with stiff back legs and had a waddle but could still do everything no problem. About a month ago she had a tumor that was huge, filled up like a water balloon that started bleeding badly, she couldn't walk right and was obviously in pain. She had surgery to remove it and seemed 100% healed other than the waddle when she walked. But about a week after the surgery, she started really struggling to stand up and sometimes just couldn't, she would give up and just lay back down. But most of the time she got up, slowly, but got up and moved around no problem. But the tumor came right back, quickly, within a couple weeks, and was growing so fast, faster than the previous one, and this time it was dark black and hard, the other one looked like stretched out skin and was squishy, this one looked disgusting. She started pooping and peeing in the house, stopped listening to me when before, her whole life, she was the best dog I've ever seen with listening, she would run off when she was outside every time I wasn't watching her, and I was getting more and more frustrated with her. About a week ago she ran off while I was outside and I saw her up the street. I chased her down but she wouldn't stop running. I tried to grab her but she just kept running and rather than run faster to get ahead of her to try again to grab her, I pushed her back end so she would fall and I could get her. I pushed her very lightly and she didn't even slow down. The 2nd time I pushed harder but still nothing crazy and she went down hard, yelped like I've never heard her yelp before. But she got right back up and walked home no problem. She was fine for a day but the day after she couldn't even stand herself up anymore, I had to help her every time. The third and fourth day she couldn't walk, even after I stood her up, and her tumor started bleeding, I saw spots of blood on her bed. She wouldn't move the entire day, stayed in the same spot, wasn't eating, peed and pooped on herself and just laid in it. The tumor started bleeding badly, soaking through stacks of gauze and paper towels. I took her to the vet and they said there was no immediate solution, we would just have to hope it stops with keeping it covered and steroid medication and the other problems are just because she's old. But they also mentioned they saw bruising on her belly and said it could be from some medical condition but I think it was actually where I pushed her a few days prior. The fifth night we were out on the front porch after I carried her out there, she was actually drinking some water out of the bowl for the first time in a long time, but out of nowhere the tumor started literally pouring blood like a faucet, it looked like a gunshot wound, the front porch looked like a murder scene. I took her to the ER and they tried to stop the bleeding but it just bled through everything they put on it. She had to be euthanized. She was bleeding non-stop for a couple days, she couldn't walk, wasn't really eating or drinking anything, the tumor wasn't going to stop growing, she wasn't going to make it through, I had no choice.
She went from healthy enough to be running, not regular dog speed run, but for her, she was running, she was eating and drinking fine, and although she was acting more isolated than usual and struggled to stand up sometimes, overall she seemed ok for a 15.5 year old dog. To then just a few days later she's basically paralyzed and had to be put down. I feel like not only did I murder my dog, she was tortured for 4 or 5 days before she died and had to die a pretty gruesome death, all because I was frustrated with her and pushed her. I didn't know she was that fragile, I didn't know the tiniest scrape on a tumor would cause it to bust open and gush blood a few days later, I didn't know that one fall that really wasn't that bad, she wasn't moving that fast, would make it where she can't walk a couple days later. I blame myself for her death. I want to know what other people think but I can't share this with people I know in case they also think I murdered my dog. What do you think?