u/Idiomancy

I'm crippled by social anxiety and self hatred.

I haven't yet found a spiritual community here in Bangkok, a city I just moved to. I try to study the texts on my own and they trigger my self hatred and shame until I can no longer read. I feel terrified and ignorant and so deeply attached to everything. I have so much awareness of my evil and so little power over it.

What will happen to me? To what can I turn? How will the Buddha protect me if I cannot even renounce my fear for for long enough to pursue his teaching? How, if I cannot stop crying and giving up, can I ever find a teacher or a sangha?

I am full of self-pity without self-compassion. Urgency without action. Fear without escape. Rage without power. Where do I go from here?

New Buddhist here. I've found an NKT group which is okay (trust me I'm aware of the ickiness. I don't like them as a sect, but I genuinely think Geshe Kelsang expounds dharma very well in his books, and I tend to resonate with the dharma expounded through his strategy. Or at least I very much did in my home town of Lancaster, PA) but I'd prefer to experience more varjayana sangha and dharma from the wider community.

Anyone know of any places where people gather?