april 28, 2026. i love you so much gingy. i wish i could have done more. i should have done more. i’m glad you went peacefully. the sun shone after rain. we had a tornado watch in our area. after it was done the sun shone again and i don’t even believe in this but it felt like a sign. waking up and seeing your room empty makes my heart break. even in your pain in your last two days you ate parsley, your favorite out of all the greens italian parsley to be specific. i hate the vets, i hate michelle and i hate that vet we went to back in december and mostly i hate myself. even though it’s none of their faults at all. the tumor kept coming back and it’s no one’s fault. but i just i wish we did a full scan when we did your first surgery and caught it earlier maybe it already started spreading then. but we just did surgery for your hand. but i also know that you don’t deserve any pain and you don’t understand these complex ideas and labels you understand the basic emotions like happiness and pain. you still twitched your butt when you ate a banana even on your last day. your dil is still in the fridge gingy. i keep thinking you’ll come and get it. i keep thinking you’re on a vacation or i am. your imprints are on our canvas and they’re on the ledge. the stairs are empty without you. the soil of the hole you dug under the magnolia tree misses your claws. the pantry is waiting for you. the pack of sugar you tried to eat out of is still here. i look up from my phone to see the scarf i hugged and put in your carrier. your carrier is empty and will never be used for you again. you used to hate that carrier always biting the metal on it. gingy i wish it was me not you. i can’t wait to get out of this house. i don’t even want to take the table which you’d navigate like a puzzle or the sofas where you stood. i’m glad we got to spend your last year with you im glad gingy im so glad. i wish we never moved. riyadh gingy was truly another species. i remember you licking my face and realizing that it would be the last time i’d feel that. the doors have your claw marks. gingy you will always live on. these people they don’t understand they don’t understand at all. i can’t get myself to clean my room. your hay is all over and there’s bits and pieces of your food. i wish i had a week or two more. i wonder i wonder if i switched it to next week. but i cant bear to see you in pain. hearing you skidding to get up tore me. gingy i miss your feirceness, all the people you bit at, everyone you growled at when we didn’t give you food, the tortilla chips pack in the pantry waits for you. gingy rawdha aunty waits for you. i still think you’re with her in the basement it’s just taking you a bit of time to come to my room. gingy you taught me how to love and live. i still wonder why. why why why. my closet feels so empty i still think if i part the clothes are the floor i’ll find you there. i never want to forget what your nudge felt like, what your growl felt like, what your lick, what your flop next to me felt like. gingy i’m glad i didn’t take as many courses this semester and could spend my time with you. gingy im sorry
u/Icy-Objective4119
feeling guilt for putting her down (too early?)
this week has been the hardest week of my life. last October we found a lump on our beautiful baby bunny’s hand. she’s not even a baby she’s considered an elderly rabbit (7) but she’s our baby. we had surgery to remove it. vet did an xray after all good. she was doing all good till the beginning of april. april 2 was her birthday and we all celebrated. it all went downhill so fast after april 3 we noticed a bit of redness on her hand the same exact spot where she had a tumor before it was just redness so swelling at all we book a vet appointment in case. our bunny is quite fiesty known to be aggressive and although we moved internationally with her last year all the vets here knew her and loved that abt her. as soon as we came in they commented on how she’s not as fiesty right now and i said oh its probably because she hates car rides and vets and it is true, but i didn’t know which we would find out in the xray was that the cancer had spread. it was awful but she was eating and pooping and going down the stairs and i thought how could this even happen. she had been sneezing a bit and i thought oh it’s probably the weather. the vet tells me we should put her down before it further reaches her lungs and she has trouble breathing. i ask her how come my one doesn’t have a my symptoms of a rabbit who is struggling she’s been going upstairs downstairs etc shes been eating she’s been going to the yard etc. but the declined very fast after she still was going all of the above but she was lethargic and the sneezing turned into heavy hiccups and she started grinding her teeth that same day. teeth grinding is a sign of pain in rabbits. then she started dragging her stomach along as well. this happened only once but it was enough for me and my family to drop everything and book the appointment but she was sitting and we heard a scatter and it was like she was trying to get up but couldn’t and she tried again and then sat back down. 15 minutes later though she got up and went outside easily. my vet told me it’s better early than late and when i asked her if my rabbit is in pain she said ’shes uncomfortable’. she also told me that my bunny was one of the ferocious and spoiled ones she’s seen (haha she was) and she told me they’re prey animals anyway and the fact that this was her personality probably contributed further to her hiding her pain. i wish i saw some sort of sign earlier. i wish i wish i wish i wish. but i also know that she can’t keep having surgeries at the same spot it was her toe that got amputated and with the lump now my vet was saying her front limb. i’m glad we did a full xray and realized there was no use. my bunny was such a foodie she never stopped eating. before her appointment we fed her her favorites, fries, dates, cantaloupe, and a lotus biscuit. she is usually scared of vets and other animals but when we went in and pet her for 30 minutes before she put the sedative in and she was so calm and then when the vet assistant picked her up she looks so sleepy and cute she rested on her shoulder. she passed away peacefully. and i am glad. but i keep feeling like we did it too early maybe like she was eating and pooping and could walk and could go up and down stairs but slower. i keep crying waking up and not seeing her broke my heart. seeing the whole she dug under the tree in our yard makes me sick. i’m glad we are moving out of this house because every door has marks of her claws.