My girlfriend (27F) has been struggling with RJ for quite some time. We’ve only been together for a year. She’s told me that it only started with her ex and that it’s been difficult to not repeat the same patterns.
I am noticing an unhealthy shift in my nervous system when she is spiraling and texting me. For example, I feel safe again and then quickly unsafe again. It’s over exes that I had 10 years ago and she’s said some very hurtful things to me. When I open up, she gets angry and then it’s insults and yelling. I wake up anxious to read her text messages and sometimes I’m up 2 hours early because I’m so stressed.
I am feeling stuck. I was in a 5 year relationship prior to meeting her. I am so past this point in my life from about a decade ago and it’s painful to have things brought up constantly that are so long ago and tied to some trauma. I have grown so much. She has been here to see me make a lot of personal growth and effort into building our life together. I struggled for years with AUDHD and I’ve gotten myself unstuck, but the RJ throws me right back into feeling stuck.
I don’t know how to actually help. Everything I say seems to backfire and is causing me pain too. Does anyone have suggestions for how to help her through these feelings?