Help?
Confused.
I’ve been previously sorta almost diagnosed with OCD. I have had high anxiety since childhood. I couldn’t go to school because I would lash out, cry and throw fits. My parents tried everything for me. I had a therapist as a child as well. Unfortunately, due to a very volatile house hold (my parents were abusive towards each other) possibly us as well.
I never received any help long term.
Now I tell myself I may just be a clean person. My thoughts are very driven by fear though when it comes to my home I feel. I grew up in older rentals, mold, multiple pets (I am highly allergic) I quite literally had roaches crawl on me in the house I grew up in. I had flea bites so noticeable on my skin it looked like I had scabies. Now I know my parents tried to take me to DR after DR for help.
Unfortunately the main issue is I could simply not be around animals. They didn’t want to get rid of them. However, I have a deep love for pets. I truly LOVE animals. I have one dog. However most of the love she gets is definitely from my son and husband. I’m so allergic even petting I will have an allergic reaction. I’ve been hospitalized multiple times, almost in and out of ERS for asthma, allergies etc.
I never came to the reality of my childhood until I grew up and had my own son.
Okay. My common thoughts are more like, I can’t stand when people don’t clean their homes. I have a burning irritation for unhygienic-messy people. I hate going over to someone’s home and there dogs jump on me. Dog hair everywhere. It’s just filth. It will literally make me not like the person. It’s like an inner hatred for dirty unhygienic people. (Please don’t take offense, my thoughts are extreme) I am trying to recognize them and realize others are not like me.
I judge peoples houses. Constantly. What’s weird? Mine isn’t perfect? I do have to calm my brain quite often as I have a toddler. My home will never be purely white. Things trigger me. Like cleaning videos, or if I go to someone’s home and it’s not clean. I will think about it a lot. I will you could say obsess. Sometimes I force myself to just sit in the unorganized mess with hopes maybe exposure will help me? It doesn’t. Unfortunately if things build up I’ll hyper focus and be irritated about it until everything is perfect. I am exhausted.
I often think about when my son gets older and teaching him adequate hygiene. I had unclean brothers. I couldn’t stand it. I was scared to have my son because the stigma is typically males aren’t as tidy as females. (Please DONT take offense, I realize this may stem from things I was around and may not be true.)
Do any of these behaviors sound obsessive? I really don’t want to be like omg I’m so clean I have OCD OMG!! Look at me!!! I feel a lot of people fake it.