Callback Walkout
Yesterday, I had a callback for Magaldi for a local production of Evita. It was the only role I got a callback for and it would’ve been my fourth summer in a row working with this company. I love the company and the people involved, many friends and great memories.
I never loved Evita or the idea of being in it but, I did audition because I love theater and I wanted to do another show with my friends. However, the summer prior took it out of me, I was exhausted from that summers production of Shrek. I was in the ensemble but I was in every scene and every dance (featured dancer at that) and I am listed as “moves well” actor. So it was a lot, to say the least. At the end, it was a great learning experience and challenged me as a performer. But, deep down I knew I wanted a break. And this summers production choice of Evita kind of led to that being possible.
Leading up to this year’s audition for Evita there was a lot going on in my life. My husband’s DACA expired the week prior and he lost his job. I was only 1.5 months into my new job (good pay but very demanding of time and energy) and it’s been great. But after just starting my new job and thinking we were both going to provide a good combined income together. I became the sole provider. Proudly so but, my priorities and mind set completely changed. The audition was on the back burner. I had a song specific to the show and I neglected to prepare. I went into the audition, almost feeling forced by my own doing, and performed a good decent song from my book but I just felt off. The room felt unwelcoming to me. I didn’t feel right, I felt so much anxiety and confusion. That was a Monday.
That same week, on Saturday, callbacks went out. I got a callback for Magaldi. That’s good. That’s great, I guess. I don’t know, I’m lucky to be considered enough for that but again just not what I’m wanting to do. I’m not wanting to do Evita in general and at this point because of everything else (more important things to be fair) going on in my life. I struggled, I struggled to find the joy in even the thought of doing the show no matter the role I got. I learned the song, I found my acting choices. I did my best.
So Monday (callbacks) arrived. I felt fine, no anxiety just nothing really. I did my best. I worked to the best of my ability to get the song in my muscle memory. I went to the callback and the moment I walked into the waiting area I just felt like I shouldn’t be there. I waited had small talk and then went into the room with the rest called back for Magaldi. The room was cold, I personally, felt like I didn’t belong.
We all stood around the piano and went through the cut twice. While standing there everyone around me had this energy, some were already acting the song. Some sounded so excited. I didn’t feel anything just the feeling of not wanting to be there. We all sat down, I was the first one called up. I started the song and half way through my mind and body just stopped. I apologized and the director (whom I’ve worked with for three years at this point) asked if I wanted to pick it up from where I stopped. I said “no”, paused and said “I have to go.” I grabbed my things and just left. The relief was palpable. My body was lighter than it had been since the first audition for this show. I shared with my friends waiting for their callbacks out side. And left so confidently. I’m happy.
When I do shows I almost never listen to my body. I always push myself to do things or allow things to happen to make others happy. When my mind and body just stopped in the callback room, everything made sense. I know I will question my decision because I know I made some people upset or disappointed. But I shouldn’t worry how they feel. It’s how I feel. In theater, when the room doesn’t welcome you in you should listen to that. Otherwise the experience will be less than desirable.
This is also community theater. I will do another show and love it! When? I don’t know, my life is demanding me do something else at this point in time. And I’m okay with that. I’d rather be available and support my husband and household before I devote my time and energy to a show that isn’t right for me. As an actor we have to protect ourselves. And when things don’t align and the room doesn’t feel good. We must listen to that feeling. Trust our gut.