Why did I have to be so obsessed with sex T^T
I love sex, I love physical intimacy, I love feeling another person's naked body against mine, it's all I want, it's so calming and feels so good. But I don't have a partner to do stuff with, and even if I did, I wouldn't want it to be exclusive. So something I love the idea of is hooking up with people.
But why on fucking God is it so dangerous. Why'd I have to need to put myself in such a vulnerable position to be able to do my favourite thing T^T.
Now inherently, odds are most people you meet will be fine, but going out with almost a stranger, and making yourself so vulnerable, especially if you're going to their house and Especially if you want to stay the night (don't do that. Just don't literally sleep with someone you don't know too well, you're just asking for something bad to happen). Chances are most people will be good, but in my position, you are one fuck up away, and it's game over. You could be murdered, you could be kidnapped, you could be trafficked. And granted if you get raped you might get out of it pretty easily but you'd probably be traumatised. I'm small, I'm weak, so I'm not intimidating and I can't really defend myself, and I'm a trans woman so lord knows what people would want with me.
Doesn't help that I'm naive as fffuck, and when I do think about dangers I get paranoid to high heavens. I met up with someone for the first time on Friday and I decided to stay at their house and sleep over on the first time meeting them (granted we'd known eachother for a month which is I guess better than doing it with a complete stranger. Also they're also transfem so that's probably a little less likely they'd be bad, at least she's not gonna see me in a transphobic way) anyway so my sister took me to the train station and when I told her about all this, she lectured me a bit about safety and wondered why she's even taking me. And because of that, once we did meet up, I didn't show it on the outside but I was a complete and utter paranoid wreck on the inside, wondering myself why I'm doing this, and wondering if every little thing she did was manipulating me so she could take advantage of me or do something idk.
Sorry this has not been really structured and clear. I'm just angry at the universe right now and needed to vent about it, why can't my special interest just be wanting to play video games or dnd all day, or maybe helping people and volunteering? Something where there's almost no chance of being shanked raped and/or kidnapped. But noooo universe made me a complete fucking whore. Thanks.