u/IamSkyyyyyy

I’ll try to be brief (finalizing edit: well turns out it isn’t brief at all), for context: This was made for a school project in a film class at an acting conservatory. I never made anything nor filmed anything ever before, this is the first and only thing I have ever done in my life and it’s from a class that was assigned as a project I had to do all the way back in 2020. So, the bare minimum requirements of what we had to do was a 2 minutes scene and two randomly picked genres of film and whatnot—I got the green light approval to move forward and make a 6 minute short. I was assigned black noir and detective and crime genres and pared up with random classmates and with volunteers who were willing to help out in. I did all the editing, creating the logo, photoshop, visual effects, sounds, everything honestly, I filmed 95% of the shots, the only one was when I was in the scene at the end before the car drives away. (Note by the way, I had made it in one night and everything was improvised on camera, so everything was spontaneous, unpredictable and I worked with what I had and what challenges that came I had for stitching it all together from technical aspects to scene continuity, etc.”

Honestly to keep this condensed, I want to know and understand what value or credibility can this hold? I showed this to my artistic director who was basically the principal at the acting conservatory for 20+ years and the film director who was also there for 20+ years, well, the film director, he had pulled me to the side and said he had shown this to other classes and told me along the lines of “in 20 years of my life working in this school and other schools, I had never liked, had never shown—nor wanted to show—any student’s work to anybody else ever before, students’ all the time had also asked me for critique and I’d just say that it’s good but never meant it because their work is never up to my satisfaction, I showed this to two other classes—“ something along those lines and had dissected scenes from the short, and pointed out ‘smart’ cinematography technical aspects I supposedly did and the “practices” that filmmakers also would do???—that I somehow understood and got naturally????—all of that was said even to my own section and took like half of the class it felt (each class was like 3 hours), now btw, that counts as “three” classes, I guess. Anyways, from our private conversation, the film director/instructor really wanted to thanked me for just how beautiful it was with such assurance and reassurances of how credible and remarkable he finds it as. Ever since then, I mean nothing really came about it, like me having opportunities to improve nor grow from it, I wish they could’ve implement something for me, I mean like helping around for some experience, volunteering that I’d be down to participate in I guess. It was very surprising just from what the film director said because I never done anything of anything before like I said—thus, I don’t have a clue, I don’t have a comprehensive understanding of how ‘valuable’ or of ‘intelligence’ in these regards that I’d carry??? Still to this day, because that was filmed November of 2020. Oh yeah, towards the middle half, the camera (that belongs to one of my classmates) had died and I had to use my phone instead to continue it off. Gosh, there’s so many niche details or problems either from filming or problems with peers at the time I wish I can spiel out like it’s a journal, or like I’m at counseling telling all my problems to, haha.

I need to ask this because I don’t think I’d have actual motivation for pursuing further, I don’t know. The time at that school, I was bullied and broken to the point that I can’t do it, I’ve been exhausted and it was so unbearable of what I had to endure at that school. I was made to cry by my whole section from this project, even mid production, my classmates withheld footage from their camera I borrowed to use and shoot for them and they were like “I don’t get why you want to film 5 minutes of traffic and want to put that all into a film” I guess they never heard the concept of, or ever acknowledged what B-roll footages are—I never knew the term myself at that time, so I couldn’t explain what I think I want to do with the footages from then. I phrased it weirdly like so because I was doing everything for the very first time, I had to learn it all in one night of producing, and how to use Vegas Pro, I just found whatever filming software and just put whatever that came into my mind mind and watched some tutorials. But for real, how frustrating is it for my fighting to get the footage from their camera and threatened to stitch it themselves when they wouldn’t know the direction nor pacing I had in mind that I needed to do for it to work etc. Very least, some people had apologized and loved the project after the class was over with.

Another thing of examples of asking something grand so randomly id want to also be assured in is: I also wrote a script, pretty heavy and I shared it with my artistic director from the same school, he was at the conservatory for 20+ years and I believe he’d trained with Uta Hagen in the 80s/90s in NYC???—so in terms of acting. Anyways, I showed him a draft of what I wrote, he came back to me and asked me when I started writing, I said that I never wrote anything before either and from what I always recall, it was something along these lines of “this is one of the most beautiful writing I ever read, not only of a student, but even better than some of my own colleagues” with fair criticism of refining some sections so readers are immersed with the story throughout, that was the only feedback. So, and yet, I don’t know nor have any understanding with how “advanced” or genuine credibility I would have and I am just confused, in some ways lost, I do feel alone in this and if it is truthful with what was said and was talked about—starting from these two instructors/directors who are very credible and verse with what they do in their fields—it’d be very nice to be assured with like where I’d stand and what are things really good about. Also perhaps some encouragement and comfort from the circumstances I had dealt with, that shattered my optimism from studying in an acting school to seeing any kind of future or work within the realm of cinematography—and acting—that I never would have the encouragement to ever try again from my own intuition, it I was unfortunately brutal like I said. 2020, Covid, fresh out of high school students of that time were an interesting breed of people, ranging from ego/performative morality complexes and dilemmas (if that’s the right wording???) to savior complexes, neurotypical posse mindsets’, the dogpiling, cancelling, classmates’ threatening to send reports in hopes of getting me kicked out the program, triangulation situations, etc etc etc.

I’m sorry how long this was, if you read all and had watch the short, I thank you so much for your time and I genuinely appreciate just anything you’d want to say down below as well. For what else is worth, I do apologize if there is any arrogance or pretentiousness, or anything that comes across as condescending, I’m very sorry for that then; even gramatical errors, I can struggle forming anything that is coherent and something that’s more properly structures or consistent of my writing…

Overall, the entirety of my life I’ve been made to feel quite less, secondary, overall feel stupid and that I’m always do something wrong, no matter what. That time at school was just terrible unfortunately, it does suck I let myself get in my own way and got myself down, but I had nobody, anyone who does feel for me were afraid to say anything because otherwise, they’d be ‘their’ next target, that’s what some of my classmates from then expressed. I never knew how sophisticated (I don’t think I’m using the proper wording here) all of this was—the cinematography or maybe also the writing too—nor how creative I’d be in these foreign realms, the feedbacks surprised, but yet, I don’t know nor think that I’d be able to do anything in the realm of writing and cinematography again from just everything. I just don’t know if it actually holds anything of significance to be actually true, I’m afraid to know if I actually am not good at all ever, but hearing from credible tutors and directors at that school made me question how valuable my worth could be, become. Oh, right now, I am currently enrolled with Full Sail University and I’m doing Music Production, I had a roommate for a moment who was in the filming program, I did show this to him as well and he was also blown away, like two hands between his face asking me if I really did do this, and told me that nobody in his classes had anything this good even, not even final projects were close to being good. So anyways now finally, I’m trying to ask anyone here and anywhere else what you guys would think about just everything I’ve laid out, and it feels nice to read anything that can assure me that I am doing alright, just some kind of comfort from how I’ve been feeling throughout the past few years. You know?

Thank you,

Sky Hans Ngo