Soo this is branching off from my previous post. It's not videogame-related like the last post, but it's another issue (of many) that I want to discuss. This is school-related.
I don't mean to diss him in any way, but my by isn't the sharpest took in the shed. He says it's a miracle for him to get a B in just one of his classes. I am in a program in which, by the time that I graduate high school, I'll also be graduated with my AA. A good program that requires a 3.6 GPA. It. Is. Hard. I don't think I'm smart enough to honestly be in it, nor was I even planning to do anything college-related, but I was kind of forced to. My days are busy, the only real off-time I get is during weekends. (I am not yet going to the college campus, I'm still at the highschool, and I'm taking prerequisites for the classes. Next year I'll be going there only 4 days a week, so I'll hopefully have more time to myself.) But my "me-time" is really "us" time. Of course, I sometimes like to spend time with him, but when I get home, it's mountains of work, especially as the school year comes to a close due to eocs and stuff. We call, he'll obviously want to play, and when I tell him I need to work, he gets upset. It's like he can't fathom the idea that I'd rather write a paper than play with him. It's genuinely so annoying. Like I said in my last post, he'll get all quiet, maybe leave the call afterwards to "not bother me", stop playing, whatever. Sometimes though, he'll. start. singing. Like at the top of his lungs, no joke. He'll listen to spotify and he just has to sing every lyric to every song that plays. I get it. I like singing too. But if he was doing something important that he needed to concentrate on, I'd either shut up or mute myself. He does neither. He'll sing, ask questions, then get upset because I didn't hear the question bc I turned the volume down. We both have ADHD. I take medicine for it, he doesn't. The medicine wears off after a full school day, so when I get home, it's extremely difficult for me to focus on something, even in silence. So to have him constantly singing his heart out.... And he's not even trying to be good, he's just shouting the lyrics. When I lock in, I'm tuning him out. When I tune him out, he gets upset bc I don't know what he's talking about.
If I don't call him or I say I don't want to call (bc I'm doing work), obviously he'll get upset. Fair. But then I work for too long. Apparently I don't care for him as much as he cares for me. Apparently, I'm an AI because I'm always doing work and I give him lame responses over text. He just goes into this mindset in which he'll ask me if I want to break up. He's told me on multiple occasions that he's terrified of being left, and he doesn't want to lose me. Okay, I understand. I've told him that I wouldn't leave him out of the blue and just disappear. I told him that if I wanted to leave, I'd tell him beforehand. This does not deter that mindset of his.
Sometimes when I work, we'll just text. It's easier than calling, honestly. Oftentimes, when I talk about school work, He'll start going on about how he's stupid and doesn't hold a candle to me. I hate this. It makes me feel horrible. I don't want him to feel this way about himself. Of course, I tell him things to make him feel better, and when he's feeling better, I go back to working. I don't want him to feel like that. And I understand that I'm responsible for making him feel good about himself. However.. It's like I can't even talk about anything regarding school because he'll go onto that tangent. I don't want to sound insensitive, but it's almost every time I bring up school. If I do something that I've been stressing about [Passing a heavy test, finishing a long paper, etc.], I can't even tell him about it because I already know how he'll get. It's like I can't tell anyone about my stressors and when I feel proud of myself because I overcame it.
A few times, he's told me that he turned in week-late homework assignments and ask if I'm proud. He'll tell me he's not failing a class anymore. (Failing to him his below a D). I tell him I'm proud because at least he's done it. He's never doing work at home from what I can tell. And I think his lack of effort for school is why it's hard for him to get a B. I honestly don't care about smarts or looks, or quirks, but with his constant yelling at ow, his constant self-deprecation (both about his looks and intelligence), his constant singing.. It's starting to get to me. I think it's my fault. In the beginning, I told him I didn't mind it all, so I think that aloofness to his characteristics made him feel like he can just go haywire with it all.
There was an instance literally this week that I can't stop thinking about. I'll be honest, it's my fault for procrastinating. I had a 10-page Research Paper due by Friday, and had to turn in the draft by Wednesday, which had to be 7 pages minimum. I had nothing written on Tuesday. I was talking to him about it, saying that I had to really concentrate on writing it. I was telling him how much I hate doing so much work. Here's how it went (M= Me, H=Him):
M: "I've been writing, I only just started my 3rd page 😭😭"
M: "It's just a load of bs atp"
H: "I do that a lot"
M: "Im writing about whether or not government surveillance violates 4th amendment rights n im over here describing court cases......"
H: "[MY NAME]"
M: "ITS LIKE A YES OR NO QUESTION AND I HAVE TO WRITE 10 PAGES ON IT"
"Im only doing the draft rn, which has to be 7 pages"
H: "ay you're the one who wanted to be in them smart classes"
M: "Uhh nuh uh" [I'm tryna keep it somewhat playful here so he doesn't go down that hill...]
H: "just be grateful"
"you'll go into a good college maybe"
"I dont even have a shot at college"
"my gpa is ass"
"just think you could have it a lot worse"
"be grateful"
"I wish I was smarter"
"What future benefit could I POSSIBLY bring to you" [This string of messages was sent one after the other]
M: "Happiness?"
"That's what partners are for. Future benefits shouldn't be a primary/the sole factor in partner-picking."
"Imo"
H: "but im nothing compared to you"
H: "[my name]"
[I went on to explain Gardner's theory to him, the multiple intelligences. I used my mom as an example, who isn't good with math but is really good with reading body language and plants]
H: "Well at least she's good at something"
"the only thing I consider myself good at is overwatch"
"yet i have to cheat to do so"
[I told him he just needs to find his intelligence. He said he was going to sleep afterward. My responses were like long paragraphs so I just paraphrased them instead of writing them btw]
That was the slipperiest slope I'd ever seen. And it gets like that constantly. Idk if putting the transcript of our messages was a little too personal, but it felt like just explaining it with words was too vague.
Well, that's it on this topic. I just felt like getting it off my chest, and maybe some advice from strangers on the internet will help.. cause that always works... 😬