I'm almost 36 now, and I've just realized something: reflecting back on all the human interactions I've had throughout my life, I know what type of a wife I need.
I need a wife that's not only ok with my Autism and doesn't try to change me, but who's also willing to put in the effort to learn about it. It's not unlike learning to interact with an alien species. Because for me, other humans have always seemed like strange creatures I constantly fail to understand.
She needs to learn that I don't understand body language or facial expressions. So, she has to tell me explicitly what she feels and to explain to me logically and step by step what caused her to feel those feelings. Also, although I do have feelings, but my face is mostly emotionless and I don't know what name to call the feelings I have. So, she needs to interrogate me to drag the feelings out of me to understand them.
She has to learn that when I want some alone time without her doesn't mean that I don't love her, when I'm silent when going out doesn't mean that I'm not enjoying myself, or when I seem withdrawn doesn't mean that I'm depressed. In social situations, the logical part of my brain is always working to process social and emotional signals from other humans, because the parts of my brain that are responsible for those tasks are underdeveloped. I'm always exhausted, my life feels like I'm constantly trying to solve math problems that don't end.
I need a person who doesn’t take advantage of the fact that I believe everything I'm told, because I cannot tell when people are lying. I need a person that isn't bothered by my (sometimes hurtful) honesty, and by the fact that I cannot tell white lies to complement her or make her feel better.
I need a stable routine to prevent me from getting anxious. All activities need to be scheduled in advance (such as going out for fun or to visit family, and even our our intimate time). When we go out, most of the time we need to go to places we've been before. When playing music in the car I repeat the same songs over and over.
I don't know how to enjoy the journey, I'm always focusing on the destination. I see life as a series of tasks to be completed. I go to a coffeeshop to buy coffee, I go to the mall to buy something, and I only travel for a reason.
I don't have friends to go out with and travel with. If she goes out with her friends or to visit family I'll simply wait for her anxiously at home.
I can act normal (Autistic Masking), but by doing that I'll never be able to love her. Because when doing that I'll feel that she doesn't love me, but loves the fake character I'm playing. And eventually, I'll crash out and my real self will appear in a more extreme way (Autistic Burnout).
Being me, being autistic, can't only be explained by what I've mentioned here. This is only a small part of my true self. That's why I need a person that fully realizes the amount of work and effort needed to be in my life, and is willing to exert that effort.
For the general population, the chance of being autistic is one to two percent, but it goes up to ten to twenty percent if one parent is autistic. She has to be ok with that.
For those who would ask "why would you want to get married?", I'd simply answer "I don't want to be alone anymore". Autism isn't a disease to be cured. It is my fundamental programming. The way my brain work. At this age, all therapy can do is help me be at peace with the way I am, which I've accomplished.
After reading all that, I cannot help but think "Might be too much to ask of a stranger"