Hello! I figured this would be the best place to put this. Im spiraling a lot but id like to make it very aware and apparent. I am not suicidal. I have no plan nothing. I just. I just wanted to vent to a place that knows nothing.
When I was younger, teenage years. I was sexually assaulted, borderline groomed and then I was raped. From there the "relationship" continued through out my high-school years and died off soon after I graduated. Through this time I spiraled hard, I self harmed. I sought therapist after therapist. I kept going back to the abuser. I was lost and confused so often. I think we ended up forming a heavy trauma bond. On one hand id willingly go towards this person. On the other hand I always said no, I didnt want something. I would make things difficult and kinda hope they'd give up. It happened so many times I lost count. I had a count once of like 17 times in a couple months. And this situation went on for 4 or so years. So you can imagine just how many times it really happend. Ive been asked why I kept going back and I truly dont know. I suppose it was a weird sense of comfort. At least when the situation itself was done I could cry and be comforted. I think how it progressed just made it so much harder to really understand because I was young. It was all of my firsts. Im even more conflicted today. The abuser apologized. But in the back of my head it feels like im getting manipulated again. I cant tell if im overthinking under thinking or just.. still so traumatized. My head is full of just so many feelings, so much confusion and fear. Im in a happy and healthy relationship today. But somehow my brain will still question, did I have interest in my abuser? Did I feel a connection? Was it the trauma bond? Was there actually any good things or did I lie to myself there. I feel like a fraud.. my story doesnt align to most peoples. I wasn't beaten bloody. I wasnt heavily bruised or anything. I always stood in fear.
Thank you for reading. Have a good day!