so i've been going through something that is very weird recently.
my whole family dynamic is effectively breaking apart with my sister wanting to be trans, my other younger sister who wants to be a lesbian or smth i'm not too sure, my parents in constant distress about both of their choices. obviously i'm in a bit of distress too because i am the oldest out of 4 so with that comes a bit of responsibility to overlook at what my siblings are getting up to but they both don't even look at me even when we pass each other in the hallway. in fairness we have had a few arguments in the past about some petty stuff but now its gone to a whole new level where i don't even feel like i can have a conversation with them normally. its like when you have that one person you don't like at school or university and whenever they try and talk to you it just makes you feel a type of way.
i'm kind of in the same boat where both my sisters don't talk to me whereas before both of them would show me funny memes on tiktok or ig whatever. typical sybling relationship. Now that they don't talk to me and i don't feel any sense of openess for conversation i don't know what to do. this is problem 1.
problem 2 is that i am having a hard time with believing in the religion. i understand there is a boat load of history and evidence to suggest that Islam is the truth. i even have an english translation of the quran in my drawer which although i haven't read much of it i did read this one line that goes 'the truth has been given in the form of this book (quran) and those that choose not to acknowledge it can do as they please' or smth to that nature. i paraphrased what it said. but yea i'm in a spot where i want to continue believing because of the plethora of evidence behind the religion but at the same time i want to know what its like to get tattoos, piercings, have a drink or two, date someone with proper intimate relations and not have it considered 'haram'. i've researched all of these topics and obviously there are implications for almost all of them but isn't that just part of the process. like obviously tattoos can cause infections, piercings can cause infections but that is all part of the process. i want to have the freedom to do things without having to feel guilty for it.
because i know the second i say that i don't believe anymore, my whole bloodline will be ringing my phone non stop, i will get countless messages saying that i'm 'taking the wrong path', my parents will be dissappointed in me (which i'm not too fussed about. they aren't very successful parents in the first place both financially and as people. not to say they are complete assholes but my dad just doesn't understand anything well enough. he likes to make excuses for the fact he isn't as successful or makes enough money in comparison to the rest of his siblings who all went on to complete their degrees and become seniors now in their places of work whilst my dad can't be bothered). i will effectively lose my family pretty much if i were to just say straight up that i don't believe and i don't want to do that because i don't have a lot of friends or super strong network to fall back on. i will be basically living by myself until i find a way to make a new family or a new life completely which means for a while i'm probably going to be lonely which i don't really want anymore. growing up i never had a lot of friends. i was that weird kid that used to watch anime and just chill at the back of the classroom and not talk to anyone. i lost all my friends due to a complication i had during secondary school. from then until second year of university (in my final year now) i had no friends and it was the loneliest time ever. i had never felt so low in my life. i have friends now of course but they have their own shit to deal with.
i'm just lost. there are some parts of the religion i agree with but there are other parts where i just think 'hmm that doesn't sound quite right' if that makes any sense.
i know reddit ain't a therapist but at least i can see what other people have got to say on the matter. i probably should get therapy considering everything going on right now. need money first tho but thats a different topic for a different day.
but yea let me know ur thoughts