Sorry for formatting and any grammar mistakes, I’m on mobile.
It was my birthday on Sunday. I’m nineteen now, and I’m sitting in the freaking bathroom crying over a piece of freaking cake, trying to be quiet so I don’t bother anybody.
I don’t ask for a lot. I’m the polite, quiet middle child who always just smiles and says it’s okay when it’s really not. I didn’t even really want a lot for my birthday. A few new books. I made a list with titles and authors’ names and sent it to everybody. I didn’t ask for anything big.
Sunday didn’t even really feel like my birthday. I woke up like normal, went to church, and then we came home and had dinner. My sister was sick so she stayed up in her room. My grandpa usually says a special prayer before dinner on someone’s birthday, but this year he just said the normal everyday prayer and added a little “and be with (my name) on this special day”. No one really talked to me during dinner. My brother got up and left pretty much immediately after he finished eating, which was normal. I asked to wait a little while on cake because I wasn’t hungry anymore.
We did presents, and I didn’t get one thing I actually asked for. I feel entitled writing this, because my parents got me a new bed and we agreed that’d be my big gift this year, but all I got was one book I didn’t ask for (and have never mentioned) from my brother and sheets for my new bed from everyone else.
When we did cake they didn’t even do the thing we usually do where we turn the light to the dining room off and sing ‘happy birthday‘ as Mom brings the cake in. I don’t know why that matters to me, but she brought the cake in and lit it in front of me. I got asked to cut my own birthday cake, which is something that we’ve never been allowed to do because it’s supposed to be bad luck to cut your own birthday cake. And my brother got mad cutting it because the pieces kept sliding. I don’t know why this matters to me, but it does.
It didn’t really feel special. I know I’m not nineteen and it isn’t supposed to matter so much anymore, but it does. I tried to pretend it didn’t bother me.
I really only asked for one thing, which was that I wanted to get to eat the last piece of cake. We did cake then and everybody got a piece, but usually my brother eats the last piece of my cake in the middle of the night or something, and I just really wanted to get the last piece this year. Everybody agreed to that.
Today I had a really bad day. One of those days where you just cry for no reason and can’t think of one thing you actually like about yourself. It was really bad. So I decided that I was going to take a walk after dinner and then eat my cake. I came back and had to pee, so I went to the bathroom and when I got out of the bathroom my sister had cut the last piece of cake. I just kinda stood there looking at her and she said that it was a big piece of cake and I hadn’t eaten it so she didn’t think I was going to. I told her I was about to, and I think she could tell I was about to xry because she said I could have the piece she cut for herself if I wanted, but I’ve never been able to ask for stuff from people or tell them no so I just said it was fine and walked away so she didn’t see me crying. I went back after she left and there was just a tiny little sliver of the cake left.
so now I’m crying in the bathroom over a stupid piece of cake because I just wanted one thing and I couldn’t even have that. And I feel like such a little kid crying over something that doesn’t matter, but it mattered to me and everybody knew thst and she still took it.
I’m sorry. I feel like I’m whining like a spoiled brat. But it really hurts abd I don’t know why. I should probably just get over it but I just needed to tell somebody. thanks for reading.
EDIT: Thank you guys so much! I ended up talking with my mom about it not long after I posted. I came downstairs and she saw that I’d been crying and asked me, and we ended up talking for like an hour. We talked about basically everything; she thought I didn’t really want them to decorate for my birthday as much anymore, now that I’m nineteen, and apologized for the whole thing about dinner and serving cake. My grandma has Alzheimer’s and had been having a really rough last few days, getting mad and yelling about anything but especially during dinner, so everybody was really trying not to set her off and ruin my birthday dinner. None of them were really thinking about how being as quiet as they were would make it almost as bad.
We also talked about how it wasn’t just about the cake or my birthday; I’ve been feeling kind of down in general and like I’m not as important as everyone else lately. With the whole situation with my grandma and my dad and brother both getting new jobs, I’ve kind of been trying to just stay out of the way. Mom told me that I’m not in the way and matter just as much as everyone else, and that I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m less important. We talked about a lot of things I’ve been feeling and came up with some ideas for how to help.
As for the thing with my sister and the cake, Mom agreed with me that it wasn’t right (which I was a little worried about; it felt really small and unimportant in the grand scheme of things), and I’m going to talk to her tomorrow about how that made me feel (it’s midnight here now). Mom also made a joke about making me another cake, which she ended up actually kind of deciding to do, to make it up to me. My dad made a joke about eating a huge chunk of my sister’s cake on her birthday, which I’m considering. Depends on how the talk tomorrow goes. (That is a joke.)
All in all, we had a good talk, and I’m feeling a lot better about everything. Thank you all so much; it’s nice to know that strangers on the Internet care, too.
(Also, the book my brother got me was evidently something he’d read and picked out for me a while ago. It does sound like something I’d like, and I am definitely going to try it. I wasn’t really super upset about the book, just that it was the only present that actually felt like a present instead of a necessity.)