u/Humble_Moment_7069

I am in desperate need of encouragement after putting my beloved boy down yesterday... I can't forgive myself, can't even look at myself in the mirror, I see a monster in myself, my brain is torturing me, my heart feels empty and nothing feels okay or right. It's like i lost this huge part of me and I can't ever get it back.

I wonder if i made the right decision, I wonder what he saw and felt in his last moments, I pray he's not mad at me and that he's already crossed the rainbow bridge and is at peace, running around carefree without a single thing to worry him. We were with him, petting him through the whole process and I saw his expression slowly fading, from being scared from the vet, to being relaxed as he slowly gave in the injection.

He had a huge tumor which had messed up his entire stomach and prostate, he lost almost all his fur, he stopped being as excited, started peeing himself and constantly was at discomfort, stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours and constantly paced around obviously looking troubled with confusion especially the past few weeks. My mom and I decided it's better to not let him lose his dignity and put him down before the pain and discomfort for him became unbearable. The vets told us it would only go downhill from here and it's up to us when to do this, to save him from suffering.

Despite knowing all that I keep thinking that I'm a monster and that we could've kept him around for longer... I wish he forgives me. I wish for a sign to atleast know he's okay now.

I can't sleep I can't eat, I can't even dare to look at his clothes and things, I pet the empty air where he laid as I cry like never before. I miss my boy and I wish he knows how much my family and I really love him...He lived a great life after all, but I have no idea how to calm myself down now and how to proceed with my life..

I would appreciate any advice, any stories you can share, just any support would be deeply appreciated right now, thank you in advance.

It’s been a few hours since I said goodbye to my dearest sweetest boy shih tzu Marlo at the age of 13. I’ve never felt pain in such way ever before, nothing feels right and I’ve been fighting my racing thoughts for a while now…
Marlo was my puppy, my mom and I got him when I was 13 and I fell in love with him the moment i saw him. The guy that gave him to us brought him on a bike in a bag and he was just as tiny as my hand was back then, small, innocent and shy at first, but the moment we brought him home he started giving us kisses and wagged his little fluffy tail . I don’t know much of his background, aside that he was the last one left from his litter and he was covered in fleas and dirt in his ears.
We have always since day one that we got him cared for him the best we could, my grandparents fell in love with him too despite not wanting to have a dog, they spoiled him rotten and took care of him like a royal prince. He hated being groomed and he for sure was one stubborn little furball, but he brought great happiness, many times of laughter and brightened our days just by simply existing. He used to run with the speed of wind and every dog in the neighbourhood would play with him and stick around him even till his last days, he had them all charmed. Every day for 13 years he had personally cooked, prepared by grandma food just for him, she kneeled down and fed him with her hand so he doesn’t get his beard dirty. He didn’t like eating normal dog food and not once even when he was a baby did he eat something from the ground. He was obedient and kind to everyone.

The last 3 years his energy started slowing down and we thought it was because he was getting old, he was still lively and everything, but he just didn’t engage as much in running as he used to.
Two years ago though his fur started to bald little by little and as we took him to multiple vets they all told us that he has a huge tumor developed in his testicle and told us that surgery is risky and he will suffer a lot and might not even survive it, so we decided not to go through with it and let him go on without the surgery as we didn’t want to risk him going through so much pain with the chance of not even surviving shortly after..
He went on for two more years, kept his appetite, sticked to his routine, kept being okay overall, however the past few months he started getting disoriented, he would stare at the ceiling as if he’s watching TV, seemed uneasy an constantly came to see if we left him alone after we went to sleep, he kept bumping into things when it was a bit darker and while on his walks he was slow and didn’t respond as much when we called him over.
The last few weeks he suddenly started peeing blood, with a horrible odor, he couldn’t hold in his pee well and kept peeing at night despite us taking him out every moment we could, even the very moment before we go to bed and earliest in the morning. He started becoming more and more uneasy and he constantly wanted to go outside. He was getting worse and worse every day, i could sense him being in discomfort despite him hiding it. My mom and I took him to the vet and the vet told us that there’s nothing we could do to cure him and it will only be getting worse from now on, his tumor had been developing more and more and inside his belly his organs had morphed which was pressing his bladder and causing him all the discomfort and problems with peeing. He offered us putting him down and we decided to do that so that our boy doesn’t loose his dignity completely and die at his worst, in pain.
It was a really hard decision to do, I haven’t stopped feeling pain and guilt ever since even discussing it as he still had a few moments of the day where he still came for pets and enjoyed eating his meal…

We took him on a big walk this morning, gave him constant hugs and pets and told him how much we love him and how good of a boy he was and how we will never forget him. He was really in discomfort before we took him, i’d never seen him like that before.
When we went to the vet I’m afraid that in his last moments he was scared, because the vet had to shave his paw so he could insert the injection and he got scared of the buzzing sound of the shaving machine and despite being old and lethargic he found the strength to put on a fight which totally broke me in pieces..
It was the hardest thing ive had to witness, but my mom and i held him and petted him and kept telling him to relax as he slowly started sinking down into his favorite frog pose he used to rest in all the time when he was younger, his eyes never drifted away from us and he stopped breathing. Both me and my mom broke down even harder than we were already and I can’t erase this final picture from my brain.. I saw him last covered with blankets laying in that position and not breathing and I really feel sad, guilty and a deep pain in my chest.
I wonder if we made the right decision, i wonder if he’s mad at us for letting him go, i wonder if he will remember us with good or with his final moments where he was scared.. I’ve been crying all day, we went to light a candle for him at church, then we visited his favorite park where he used to run like crazy when he was a baby and reminisced about his life that he had..

I wished for a sign and honestly even if it’s not something major i felt a bit relieved for a few minutes. I went to the grocery store with my mom in the afternoon, crying under our sunglasses and I insisted paying for everything at the store and the total sum turned up to be 11.11€ to be exact. I saw the meaning of the angel numbers 1111 is that a higher spirit is around me and I thought maybe this was his way of telling me he has happily crossed the rainbow bridge and he’s okay now, free of worries.

I really do believe in signs like this and i do believe when our furballs pass away the go to a beautiful place full of happiness and freedom, not a single thing that would trouble them. I vision my Marlo running carefree, sniffing and peeing at any tree he likes, enjoying the most delicious foods and playing around with many cheerful souls around him without a single care in the world.

My mind though is battling hardcore right now, because i both try to believe we did the right thing at the right time and also fighting the shock of going back home without our boy… One moment i tell myself it was for the best, that he went to sleep peacefully and went to a good place and we just didn’t see him going there, but we know he is and the other moment i start trembling and getting dizzy thinking that i’ll physically never see him again and start comprehending that he’s really gone. The emotions and emptiness i feel are beyond anything i have ever felt before, nothing feels right and i am unsure how to cope.. If anyone has some advice i would really deeply appreciate it.