From 4 weeks pregnant I was in hell. Every minute of pregnancy was a nightmare. I so desperately want another child but I truly don't think I can go through that again. For months after birth I would sometimes have panic attacks if I even saw a pregnant person and it would send me into a spiral for days. Pregnancy was torture but I expected that because of that, I'd have a wonderful motherhood experience. I didn't. My son screamed constantly, he never slept, I was scared to be alone at home with him so I would walk for hours. I despised breastfeeding. I had never been so lonely. I wanted to die.
I've been doing a bit better recently and thinking that maybe in a couple of years we can have another. This weekend I saw my cousin with her 4 month old baby. This kid is insanely relaxed. Hardly ever cries, just happy to hang out. My sister also announced she's pregnant with her first. And I'm SO excited for her! Her pregnancy is going great, she's hardly been nauseous. This is such a massive relief. I'm so happy for my sister and my cousin.
But now I'm home and I can't get out of the "why me" cycle. Why do they get to have easy pregnancies??? Why is my cousins baby so easy?? I can't help but wonder what I did for this to be my experience. I avoid talking to other mothers because they make everything sound so easy. I know that isnt the full picture, but I just feel so isolated and angry. I'm full of rage and I don't know what to do with it. I so desperately want another baby, but HG and postpartum almost destroyed me.