i’m a freshman in college and i got diagnosed with bp2 a few months ago. i’m miserable. i feel like my life has been ruined. usually i’m a very mature person and i’ve never lost control of my emotions the way i do now. being mature and finishing work and doing well in school and not asking for help is what has been expected of me my whole life because of the school i went to. i was living a grey life before my diagnosis but it was a life i knew how to handle.
i already had anxiety, depression and adhd before i had my breakthrough episode. now i don’t know what to do. i struggled with self hard my whole life but i can’t control my emotions or my actions sometimes and i keep hurting myself during these episodes and i can’t stop. i feel like a child. my friends told me i could always talk to the about my problems and i trusted them. i’ve had public safety called on me a few times now and every time it has been horrible. they almost took me to the hospital against my will once. when they come, sometimes i am able to hit myself hard enough to lock in and act normal so that they’ll leave, but when they do i break down because of how scared i am.
yesterday i needed help so i asked my friend to talk so i wouldn’t be along because she said i could always talk to her but i was having an episode where i felt like my body was shutting down and she got scared and told my other friend to call public safety. i got them to leave but when i went to find my friends they were giggling and laughing watching reality tv together like they didn’t almost ruin my life. i had wanted to tell them i was sorry for worrying them but they started telling me it was fine, they “had younger siblings and had to deal with mess before” and i felt sick. like did they think i was acting like a child? they didn’t even apologize. i’m so angry. and then they went out and partied without me. i feel disgusting and ashamed and alone. i know they were scared and trying to help and im not upset about that but hurt that they just don’t even care wha they did to me.