I may be the horrorstory
I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this. Part of me seeks validation, part of me feels like I just need to write this out, and vent it somewhere. Writing for myself like a diary doesn't really work for me- I've tried it. That said, and like the title says, I also think it's a fair point of view that I'm the asshole here. Maybe I'll post a version of this on AITAH too to get some more perspective. Throwaway because I know at least one of the people involved is on Reddit, though I'm not sure on this sub.
Alright, so.
I have been in a friend group for roughly ten years. For a large part of that we've been playing D&D- at least five of which I've been DMing. We've been playing my campaign for about five years. Let's call this campaign Voidcall. I'd considered them my best friends. There's a couple in this group, let’s call them S and A. There's a lot of history and such there, of course, that I could get into for more context but I'm not sure if that'd be proper. In any way, about a year and a half ago, S started an online campaign, which he'd eventually invite me for. Let's call this campaign Aspirations. So, I joined Aspirations when it had been running for a while, as one of the players had left. It went pretty seamless, my character fit the group dynamic really well, and I got along with the other players, who I'd never had met before, really well too.
As time goes on, A proves to be quite the problem player. This was strange to me and I tried to ignore it, as A isn't in Voidcall, or the other campaigns I've shared with her. This culminates to A leaving mid-session, and S having to call it for the night. I get to talking to the other players, and we're in agreement of a lot of things, and it turns out they had to have serious group conversations before over A's behaviour before I had joined. So, we try to have a group conversation about this, drama happens, we play on for a few sessions more, but A doesn't change their behaviour. Eventually, and probably inevitably, S cancels the campaign. I'm trying to keep details vague, it feels disrespectful to not.
The way Aspirations ended, really shook me. S blamed me for it. A indicated they needed some time away. A said in the groupchat of Voidcall they wouldn't show up for the session that was planned to take place about two weeks after this had happened. I followed up with that I'd be taking a break from DMing, and notified the DMs of other groups I shared with S and A that, unfortunately, I was going to have to leave. This was extremely painful, but from my POV, S and A didn't want me around, so removing myself from those group settings was the best solution. I was then uninvited from other group activities, and S and A held radiosilence with me. I've had a conversation with S about things, but besides that, he hasn't talked with me much. It has been exceedingly painful that I've lost my best friends and most trusted friendgroup over this.
Throughout the issues with Aspirations, I had told myself that if Aspirations breaks due to A's behaviour, I'll have to quit Voidcall. It'd be difficult to tolerate A at the table knowing how they were responsible for Aspirations falling apart. But when it came down to it, I found that I still really cared. And I've held hope that things get better, and that Voidcall may continue. I really loved crafting fun sessions, sharing and collaborating on stories, and cooking for the people I care most for. Five years I have devoted to Voidcall. That game was my life. And since I've called the break, there hasn't been an iota of care towards it, or me from that group. It was all for nothing. The more time goes on, the less I even want to attempt to continue Voidcall. What'd be the point, so the group can drop me like a brick at first notice again?
To be fair, I do still have regular contact with one member of Voidcall, who does really care about it as well. And that is valued and appreciated, truly. At the same time, is that enough to keep it going? And, with how Aspirations ended, even if S is supposedly alright with me now, A is likely to hold a grudge and spite. I don't really know of course, as A still needs their distance from me apparently, but they're known to do so. And I can't just kick them out of the group either- their character is integral to Voidcall by now, and they're in a relationship with S, it'd create strain and tension.
I can't help but feel like I'd be selfish, to not just suck it all up and keep it going. That it'd be petty to end Voidcall over what happened in Aspirations. I feel like I still owe it to these people and myself to see Voidcall through, having spent so much time and effort on it. Simultaneously, I feel like I need to move on, to other settings, other stories, and other groups. Find people who are excited about my stories and appreciate my presence.
I don't know. I don't think I'm in a good place in terms of mental health to make decisions like these right now.
I don't feel like I can vent this to anyone I know, as they know S and A, but I think I feel better putting this out. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.