Why the fuck would I need to have limerence for another person when I have this woman? I adore her. I don’t understand what’s happening to her. She’s 55 years old and she’s just getting hotter. All her hair is dark brown and she is the most kind, considerate and sweet person I’ve ever known in my life . I still I wonder how did I end up with this woman? I am limerent FOR HER!!!!
From a young age, my core nuclear family experience was acceptable, I knew I was loved, but there was something missing. True connection to me as an individual was something my parents couldn't always offer. It was always the character of Dad or Mom talking to Son, instead of individuals. Much conversation was surface-based. There was evidence of negligence and cheapness around the house. Off-brand groceries and fashions to save money, rather than going for the things me and my sister liked. There wasn't much depth, and emotional expression wasn't discouraged, but also wasn't encouraged, or handled all that well. Speaking of sis, my connection to my her was deeper, more expressive. It was like we both knew we were searching for more. Contrasting to this was our extended family. They seemed healthier, more secure in many ways. Vacation visits and holidays were the highlights of the year. Everything was joyful, fun, special. Their homes were bigger, nicer, warmer. Even my mom noticed this, but seemed powerless to make our place as nice or as warm. I pinpoint her longing to live closer to her siblings part of the US, and the longing we all had to keep those holidays alive and going on forever as a possible spark to my romantic obsession. One of my first biggest crushes was a girl I met while on vacation in this area, a babysitter nearby, the first girl I ever kissed. I wrote a letter to her and I remember the line "I fucking love you" (haha) was in it, written out of deep longing and pain, feeling the life I was in, back home with my job at the grocery store, was subpar and empty. My father found the letter and while he didn't shame me, it was embarrassing. He pointed to that one line as a sign of a sort of insanity. I was torn, because I felt he had a point, but I was also angry because it was so invasive. The rest of my teen life would be normal activity, but not much on girlfriends until senior year. It was mostly far-off longing and crushing. Years later, marriage to a woman who was not a crush, but a setup, would save me from limerence for years and years and years. Until about a decade ago, when it resurfaced pretty painfully. That first new episode dissipated, due to proximity/seeing the person as human after a while, but it would be replaced with the most destructive case of limerence I've ever had. One I am still trying to extinguish after a recent relapse. I have never cheated and would never, which makes the feelings all the more painful. I see that limerence has been discussed here - what is resurfacing in me from those early years? I for one think limerence is a nice drug at first, to get dopamine hits of something exciting and new and special, away from the boredom and tedium of every day life, but I want to see if I can pinpoint the trauma (yes there is some I have not mentioned here) or the feelings of that boy who felt there was something missing. Any thoughts or tips would be appreciated thank you.
My limerent brain tricked me and told me that I was fine and that friendship was a nice option. A nice second place consolation prize and I started reaching out, but I clearly abused the connection and have been ghosted. It’s beyond painful, but I just wanted to say that I’m ready to recommit myself to beating this once and for all, maybe this ghosting is a real blessing for me to focus on the real things in my life such as my beautiful, sweet dear wife.
Whoever is here whoever is reading this. I need your help so bad and I’m sorry that I come across this pathetic at times but my heart is in the right place. My heart is in the place where I need to beat this where I know this is an illusion where I know this is an over emphasis where I know this is a disorder of my nervous system and the attempted filling of a hole. Thank you in advance.
What the heck is going on? I'm in Prime Video, AMC+ section. For the Audacity, they have episodes 1-4, then 6. No ep 5. What the....???
For someone like me who always wants loose ends tied up, always wants to "end on good terms" and who needs answers to things that are confounding, this is a fate worse than death. Searing, deep pain. Especially since I was ghosted by someone I was limerent for. We had recently reconnected, mutually, nicely. (I mean it was me who reached out, but still) Then, after a couple of emails over 3 months, I realize - she's gone from me. She's a ghost. I have a partner, I am happy otherwise. Yet this obsession remains, tortures me, eats at me, robs me of peace, sleep and wholeness. Every day. Any help, any tips, any empathy welcome.