u/Heavy-Mud-8307

Is it just me? I can be watching a film or notice people in real life just casually hyperextend a joint and in my head I'm like 'Noooooo!!! Crisis!!' And it totally icks me out. Even if it doesn't hurt, I worry it will cause them pain like me someday

Same for when people tilt their head back, if I do that at all I'm screwed, so when I see others do it, even if it's fine for them, my brain just short circuits into '!!!!'

Yet if my shoulder pops out I'm blasé about it. What is this hypocricy I have towards myself.

Pretty sure they're two seperate things for me, seen a neuro who said they didn't know why they're happening but never did an EEG just an MRI. Seem to be partial frontal lobe seizures, could be epilepsy? Not sure not had the EEG and cba to fight for one even though it should be standard.

But my question is, for others who experience similar, if you are manic or hypo(not sleeping enough and doing too much triggers them for me, so they are more often during these periods) and you have a seizure or cluster, do you find you crash for a few days, not in a depressive way but brain foggy and actually sleep, then go back to manic like you were before often?

It doesn't stop my mind racing but feels like racing through thick fog and I'm sleepy, it's like I can't fully wake up. It confuses me because it feels like I might go back to depressive, but after a few days I'm back up high again. Just a weird experience and I wonder if others can relate?

Makes it kind of hard to track where I'm at, do others who experience this class it as still manic but on pause because brain fried out? Or does it count as a mini depressive episode?

Is it just me that kind of likes the first part of a cycle change, other than deep depression, just because it's different to what I was before?

It gets old about a week in then I start to hate it but for the first bit, swapping into anything other than deeply suicidal seems alright. Which sounds odd because it's even mild depression that I feel this way. Which makes no sense.

Even with psychosis. As extremely stressful and confusing as that was, not that I knew what was happening at the time, it was like I only really cared about irrational things and my normal concerns and worries went away and I kind of liked that about it. My real life was very stressful at that point.

Maybe it's just because it's what I know and I get bored of being the same too long. Makes me wonder if being stable long term is something I'd hate, but I've never managed it to know.

Maybe it's just what I feel is the human experience for me. Or maybe I'm messed up beyond my moods cycling and have a love-hate relationship with bipolar.

But then if part of me likes it(though probably not, just familiar with it) makes me feel like this happens to me because it's something I secretly desire and this is somehow my fault or I'm just attention seeking(even though I know I'm not because if something happens when no one is around and you never tell anyone then that disproves that) and then I think round in circles about hating this, enjoying bits, hating myself, getting confused and feeling like I've made it all up despite multiple sources of external validation before I even accepted this as something I deal with.

This type of brain is so trippy to deal with. Sometimes I wish I didn't know much about it at all and just expereinced my experiences because then I wouldn't think about the why/how so much and it would be easier to just be. Though not knowing led me to some bad spaces and I didn't understand why at the time.

Overall, it's beneficial to be aware but now I've researched so much I feel like I'm making it up. And when I think rationally, I don't enjoy this, but sometimes I get confused. Maybe it's harder to hate something you can't choose that to enjoy bits of it or feel like you're making it up. The illusion of control and fake self acceptance.