Just want to live life before transfer
I hope this doesn't come across as disrespectful to anyone else's journey.
Background....I've done four retrievals in the past 18 months even though I went into this process hoping to do it one time max. We got unlucky in genetics, but are also screening out a dominant condition and I'm in my late 30s. We just found out an hour ago that we got two embryos in this last round and now feel like we have enough (yay!!).
My husband has a stronger desire for kids than I do and is worried about being an older father (he's a bit older than me). Add to that parents that mention how old they will be when I have kids. I am nervous about pregnancy...I suffer from fatigue and brain fog generally and am worried about basically feeling exhausted and brain fogged for years after getting pregnant. Plus, my husband and I take full advantage of not having kids and while I think having a family will be wonderful, I love our adventures.
It's always taken me a month or so to bounce back post-retrieval. In that month though, I have SUCH a hard time waking up in the morning and feel like I lost so much progress in my workouts.
This time I did the retrievals essentially back to back. It's been 3+ weeks and I am still an exhausted wreck. I slept for 11 hours one night this weekend and could still only go out for 3 hours before needing to go home and rest. My workouts feel like I've lost everything I've worked so hard to gain over the past two years. I feel nowhere remotely close to recovered.
A while ago (before starting IVF) we discussed getting pregnant this year. And then I asked for us to do the transfer later this year.
But now, I just want to feel like myself again before going through the transfer process. And I want more than like 6 months of it. Add to all this that I got laid off a few weeks ago and am stressed about finding a job and establishing myself before taking mat leave. And add to that that early next year my sibling is getting married in a state with super restrictive abortion laws and I worry about getting care if I miscarry while at the wedding.
I am just so tired. And alone. And when I think about the success of live birth rates of my embryos, I feel like there is just so much more potential sadness and exhaustion ahead.
My husband, who has been incredibly supportive of me through this and thankful for what I am putting my body through, is an optimist who is also not that educated on pregnancy, miscarriage, etc. When I mentioned delaying a transfer until next spring, he got upset, asking whether I am just going to keep putting it off. It is totally my body and my choice, but I also understand where he is coming from, to some extent.
I am not sure if I am just venting, or looking for advice, or just need a hug. But I am exhausted and feel alone and just want to be able to cherish the time we have as a family of 2 before jumping into parenthood, but all I can do now is crawl back into bed for another long nap.