I’m 20 and I’m miserable
I’m 20 years old, just at the start of my 20s, and I don’t really know what I’m going through, but I’m experiencing this strong dissociation from myself. I’m not trying to sound pretentious, it’s genuinely the best way I can describe it. It feels like I’m viewing myself in the third person, or like I’m not present at all. When I try to be present, it just shifts to watching myself from outside.
Everything I do, I do only because it feels good in the moment. Not in a healthy way, like enjoying a morning walk. I wake up and default to watching porn or jerking off. I know how fucked up it is. I’ve learned a lot about the porn industry, dopamine desensitization, and how it rewires the brain. I understand all of it intellectually, yet I still do it. I’ve tried everything to quit: Atomic Habits, countless videos, even the approach of not labeling myself as an addict and avoiding recovery content so I don’t reinforce the identity. Nothing has worked for more than a short period.
I’m also eating a lot of junk food even though I don’t want to. I want to be fit, especially now in my 20s when it feels like my physical peak. I’m currently skinny-fat, not obese, but soft. I want bigger arms, a lean, athletic build. But I can’t stay consistent. I decide to change, last a week at most, then something comes up and I give up.
My relationships are messed up too. I don’t have any truly genuine ones , not romantic, not even friendships. I seem to look for perfect people with no flaws, or I end up putting those I admire on a pedestal instead of becoming equals with them. I want mutual, equal, respectful connections, but I don’t know how to build them. Most of my friends are women, and I’m constantly anxious that they’ll think I like them romantically and it will ruin things, even though I don’t. I’ve had drama in friend groups before, so now I keep mine very small (2-3 people). It’s chill but doesn’t feel deep or genuine. I don’t have that one person I can share everything with. I feel lonely even though I have people to talk to.
A lot of people my age are partying, drinking, having sex. I’m still a virgin. It’s not that I had no options — there were pretty girls who liked me, and I could have dated or had experiences. But I didn’t want to enter something I knew I wouldn’t put full effort into, so I held back. Now I wonder if I should just get into a relationship for the sake of experience. I’m anxious about my future all the time. I’m studying design and constantly worry about getting a job, especially if I stay this lazy when it actually matters.
At home it’s uncomfortable. My mom and sister argue a lot, shouting 90% of the time. It’s not traumatic, but it’s draining. My dad comes home and says things like “Why are you on your laptop all the time? Help your mom.” I know these are reasonable, but everything people say and everything I’m supposed to do just annoys me. I’m miserable every single day. I’m annoyed at almost every aspect of my life.
This is mostly me venting. I don’t expect a magic solution, but I’d like to hear from people who’ve been through similar things and came out the other side living happier lives. How did you do it?