My husband and i have been married for about four years. We were both raised in Christian homes and both of us, for most of our relationship, have been very devout Christians. However, over the past year or so I have been silently going through my own “deconstruction” journey, while still going to church and not really telling anyone.
About 4-5 months ago I finally had the bravery to tell my sister where I was at. My sister is the only person in my family or general circle who has left the evangelical sphere. When I told her, i basically explained that I no longer believed the fundamentals of Christianity, but I am still comfortable with the community of church and many of the principles taught in the bible. I explained that i didn’t think I’d ever be comfortable enough to come out as “deconstructed” or “evangelical”, and that I am content to kind of “fake it” at church while upholding my principles and calling toxic aspects out when I see them. She told me she understood and that I did not owe anyone an explanation, but she did say I should consider eventually telling my husband if I ever can work up the courage.
Fast forward to this month. My husband and I have finally begun trying for kids and I have been super excited. When I told my sister, she seemed almost hesitant to share in my excitement which seemed weird to me. A few days later while we were talking on the phone, she hesitantly asked me if I’d talked to my husband yet about where I was at on religion. I said no. She basically told me that she was concerned that if we don’t have the conversation pre-kids, that it would be harder to have later. Which is fair. She expressed concern that, in not telling him, I am not letting him know me as fully as he could. She told me she wouldn’t be upset or disappointed in me no matter what I did, but she didn’t think she’d be a good sister if she didn’t say anything at all.
The past few days since having this conversation I’ve had this overwhelming sense of dread and shame that wasn’t there before. I know that was not her intent and she would probably be sad to hear that I’m feeling that way because of what she said. But now I feel like I am doing something inherently wrong by keeping my thoughts to myself, even though I am the only person with a right to them.
I am grappling also with the idea of raising my kids in the church if it’s not something I actually believe, even though I value many of the principles and the community. Would I be doing something wrong by doing that?
Am I doing something wrong by not telling my husband, when I am perfectly content to keep our life as it is? I don’t want to concern him or make him upset, or for him to feel deceived or like we have failed in some way to stay on the same page. Talking about it honestly isn’t worth that to me.
What should I do? I just feel so distressed right now.