u/Havan_agoodtime

I’m mixed race (English and Nigerian) but many people assume I’m either south European, Kavkazi or Levantine. I’ve always struggled with my identity - and feel absolutely no connection to either of my heritages. I have a Nigerian surname. I’ve never met my extended Nigerian family, and have never been to Nigeria, and I’m having to keep my sexuality a secret. They also don’t like the fact that I’m neurodivergent…Long story short, they consider me a white woman, and completely reject me. Despite growing up in the UK, I feel little connection to my English side, who consider me a black woman despite my fair complexion. This has seriously messed with my head since a young age.

I’ve began to consider passing as white for many reasons - one of them being to escape from racism (which is on the rise in the UK), but also because I’m ashamed and embarrassed about my heritage as a result of bullying and harassment from both my family and people I’ve grown up with. For the first time today, I passed as white (well, as entirely European with no African heritage). I met a new friend at uni and her friendship group who are all of the same ethnicity, and I too claimed to be a part of them. They believed it in a heart beat, especially since I speak the language and know the culture very well (learned from a friend I grew up with). Hell, I taught them stuff they didn’t even know about their culture and language. I feel as if I’m more a part of this community than my own two ethnic groups (which is ridiculous, I know…). But after I left, and they’d invited me to their university society, I felt like shit. I’d just lied about my ethnicity like an idiot. I’ve lied to people who have done nothing but show me kindness, which I do not deserve. I already have a plan to be honest and come clean, but I still feel like shit, and wanted to get it off my chest 😔. I. Feel. Like. The. Worst. Person. On. The. Planet.