Hey everyone,
This is going to be a long post, but I’ve been struggling with this for almost 3 years now and I really need advice.
I used to be a very social, outgoing person. I was confident, spontaneous, and talking to people came naturally to me. But over the last few years, that has completely changed and I don’t feel like myself anymore.
I smoked weed for years. At first it was fine, but eventually I started getting more anxious whenever I smoked. Then it became worse and worse. I started feeling really strange in my head, overly aware, panicky with weird racing thoughts. Even just a few puffs of a joint would make me feel like a complete anxiety bomb. It stopped being enjoyable, so I quit because the anxiety became too intense.
That was also around the first time I noticed I wasn’t myself anymore. I became shy, insecure and much less social.
Then I started at a new school and noticed I was becoming quieter there too. It kept getting worse until I reached a point where conversations didn’t feel natural anymore.
One specific moment really stands out to me. I was in Berlin with school. We had gone out the night before, barely slept, and had to wake up early the next day for internships/work placements. I wanted to join a classmate at her placement, so I called the number she gave me and explained who I was. Then the woman asked me a simple question… and suddenly my mind went completely blank.
I blacked out mentally. I couldn’t think, couldn’t answer, couldn’t form words. I panicked and hung up the phone.
Then my classmate said,
“What are you doing? I hope she doesn’t think I’m weird now” Those words really stayed with me.
Since that day things got even worse. For a long time after that, I struggled badly with communication. Someone could ask me a very normal, easy question and I would completely freeze and have no answer. It felt like my brain stopped working during normal social interactions.
That whole day was awful because I was extremely sleep deprived and we also had to do lots of school assignments and interviews, so I wonder if something happened mentally there that never fully went away.
Since then, I’ve had a lot of trouble communicating. I went from spontaneous and social to quiet, shyand awkward. Sometimes I feel like a robot. Things feel uncomfortable quickly. I overthink everything.
I also used XTC a few times in the past, so I don’t know if that could have affected me too.
I will write down more symptoms I experience:
-Severe brain fog
-Headaches
-Low self esteem
-Much worse when sleep deprived
-If I don’t sleep enough I feel mentally absent, almost like I’m extremely stoned
-Worse motor skills and clumsier than before
-Anxiety around meeting people
-Socializing feels forced and stressful, even though I want it so badly
Harder to connect with people
-I feel like I developed traits similar to autism/social difficulties, even though I never had that before
I barely have friends anymore. I have 2 people I talk to sometimes, but even that feels difficult. I see girls online hanging out in groups and having fun and I wonder how I used to be like that, but now I just can’t seem to function that way anymore.
I work with lots of people and can do small talk a bit, but nothing deeper than that.
I honestly don’t understand what happened to me. Has anyone experienced something similar? Can your brain recover from this? How do I get myself back?
Please help me.. I really miss who I used to be.