Hey everyone,
I'm writing after a long while.
I've been through the ups and downs already. And as much as i have progressed. some days are so hard i wanna give up. i'm writing to say i survived so far. but i'm also writing because i need encouragement. i need to know it's gonna be ok.
Phase 1:
The initial shattering—i deconstructed so fast I got whiplash, overwhelming nightmares, and wanted to die.
Phase 2:
the scaffolding—with sheer grit, I cobbled together a crumbling bridge to get myself out of the deepest darkest hard parts. sought therapy. told closest church friends what was happening (to varied responses, heartbreaking). gathered as many people as i could to help me.
Phase 3:
the integration and radical acceptance.
this is when i was under such deep dark mental pressure that something miraculous had to happen so that i could survive—my brain had to just radically let go. my heart had to decide i get to be happy and reclaim my life. the black hole of nihilism and meaninglessness doesn't get to take over.
Phase 4:
going under again.
nihilism comes back in. new waves of grief hit.
all while preparing to leave church ( i haven't left yet, it's complicated)
it's like "year 2 of grief" — a new kind of grief where all the initial sympathy and support dissipates because people lose capacity, want you to be better by now, lose interest, and/or show their true colros. many of the people I leaned on were one-time help, or no longer have the capacity to support me. I am thankful for the ones that are in it for the deep dark and for the long haul. it's new levels of loneliness.
every day i am plagued with existential questions and identity confusion, as i work on finding/asserting this radically different version of myself.
the grief is so layerd—mourning my old identity, the entire community, my relationships, the life i could have had but didn't get cuz i was so devoted in church. the opportunities lost. but the hardest might have been losing God and all the love and magic in that relationship.
here i am in still in phase 4 now.
i managed to get over a big big important hump of healing, learning, forging new paths, and finding new ways to be and understand.
however, this phase has brought with it haunting grief. complex layers of heaviness to deal with. I oscillate from high-functioning weeks, to completely obliterating depression.
it's not just about feeling the feelings.
it's not because i'm doing nothing.
I'M DOING THE HOMEWORK. i face things head on, because i have no choice but to do it so I can survive. i go to therapy. I'm putting together a plan so i can exit church as safely as possible.
what i've accomplished:
• GETTING ALL THE HUMAN HELP can possibly find—friends, family, suppport groups (even though a lot of those people, sadly i don't hear from anymore, which hurts so bad. it makes me feel like i'm too heavy, too dark, too much for people to have the capacity to be there.)
• even working on creating new community, planting seeds for new relationships. (how am i supposed to make completely new friends at my age?)
• gathering so many resources about deconstruction as i can (books, podcasts, youtube, etc.)
• I GOT VERY CLEAR on why i'm leaving my religion and what i believe now. i created a document to remind myself why i don't believe in that BS anymore. this is to help me stay grounded on very confused days.
• I'VE MANAGED TO FUNCTION - keeping my job, going to school, and somehow paying bills / keeping things maintained, somehow still being responsible.
• I'VE GROWN TENFOLD - internally, a lot has evolved here inside. i appreciate the growth but the growth doesn't come without pain. it has been painful. so many tears shed. i feel like i have died 10 ego deaths already. and i might not even be done dying yet.
IN THE END I'M REACHING OUT CUZ I'M EXHAUSTED
i want to hear from real people to tell me "keep going".
some days i want to end it.
i'm so fucking scared that when it all goes down, what if i don't make it through in one piece? I am afraid this could still all be for nothing.
i am afriad that once i leave church publically, my heart won't survive the fallout.
I'm reaching out for more help.
i want to know i'm doing this right.
i want to know it gets better.
i want someone to call from the other side and let me know i can make it.