I am very conflicted with how I am feeling. My father and mom got divorced and my dad would abuse my brother and I physically and emotionally in our early teens to adulthood, but when we were really young he was super kind, caring, and helped teach us to be polite and have manners. He took care of my step mom’s kids better than us. Also I am the only kid he has apologized, but he was scared he was dying 3 or 4 years ago when apologized and was only trying to get on my good side to use me for money.
I just found out yesterday that he signed a DNR and isn’t going to be using the catheter in his stomach anymore to receive dialysis or whatever he has going on. I am not sure what is even wrong with him because I don’t talk to him at all. Since I have found out he is dying all I can think about is when I was a little kid and when he was actually nice and took care of me. I was not there for him throughout all his hardships with whatever problems he had going on with his health.
Why am I feeling like a shitty son for protecting myself and distancing myself from someone that is just so hateful and ungrateful. I get that he is still my dad but he stopped being my dad a long time ago. He hasn’t remembered my birthday since I was 23 and I am 30 now.
I am absolutely do not want to go see him because I am worried he is going to be a complete ass on his deathbed. At the same time I do want to go see him because he is only gonna make 3-14 days max I believe.
Is there anybody out there with a similar circumstance that could lend me some insight into how to better navigate this troubling and conflicting moment it would be appreciated.