u/HarurinSasa

Faz algum tempo que eu (22M) suspeito que estou com alguma infecção (suspeitando de candidíase talvez), como não estou me sentindo tão bem eu conversei com meu namorado (23H) e pedi pra que a gente não tivesse relações até eu ir em um médico e descobrir o que eu tenho, porque tá realmente me incomodando ter relações enquanto tenho alguns sintomas que são ruins... Ele ficou claramente chateado e tentou oferecer que a gente continuasse tendo relações mas com preservativo e eu expliquei que eu não estava mais sentindo tanta vontade e não está sendo bom para minha saúde física e mental, mas ele claramente ainda ficou chateado. Eu acabei tendo uma crise de ansiedade após isso porque eu me senti muito mal com ele ficando assim e isso também me fez sentir como se ele não estivesse nem aí de que é pro meu próprio bem que, ele ficou chateado que não vai poder mais ter prazer.

Eu acabei me sentindo culpada por isso. Não é a primeira vez esse mês ou mês passado que eu tento falar pra ele que queria que a gente tenha uma pausa pelo bem da minha saúde, mas toda vez que ele pedia novamente para transar comigo eu cedia porque me sentia culpada de não oferecer a ele. Eu já tenho problemas na vesícula (pedras e só estou aguardando exames e cirurgia) e isso a muito tempo tem sido razão de eu negar sexo pra ele, porque eu sinto dor todos os dias e muitas vezes a dor é tanta que é impossível eu fazer coisas do dia a dia, então sexo fica fora de questão... Agora eu realmente decidi que com essa possível infecção eu preciso parar toda e qualquer relação com ele pra me tratar (e tratar ele se necessário, porque dependendo a infecção passa pro parceiro).

Acho que me sinto culpada porque minha libido sempre foi alta desde o início do relacionamento e eu sempre buscava ele, chegamos a ter brigas porque nossa libido é muito diferente (eu muito alta e a dele muito menor comparada a minha) e agora com todos esses problemas eu tenho tido uma libido completamente diferente, mal tenho tomado iniciativa pra sexo porque eu só vivo com dor e incomodo. Me senti culpada porque ele tá buscando e eu não tô dando isso pra ele e obviamente não tô tão interessada assim, não fiquei tão chateada por precisar diminuir o sexo, na minha cabeça vai ser um alívio passar um tempo sem fazer nada porque eu preciso focar no meu bem estar físico e mental. Mas não significa que eu não ame ele ou tenha perdido o tesão, eu só estou me sentindo muito mal com todas as dores e crises diárias e essa infecção não tratada está me incomodando muito também... Eu não tô conseguindo ter ânimo ou libido nesse momento. Tudo que eu tenho nesse momento é preocupação e estresse, meus exames estão atrasados, minha cirurgia está sendo atrasada por erros de ambulatório e eu só sinto dor, como eu sinto tesão nesse momento?

I'm going absolutely crazy and extremely depressed since my gallbladder pains started, and I simply need to vent...

I was recently hospitalized and diagnosed with gallbladder stones after 11 months going in and out of the ER almost every week with insane pain and never finding why, only being medicated and treating it as UTI every single time. I'm exhausted and so mentally ill because of everything I had to pass and still pass.

Before all this, I already had mental issues, just some months before my pain started I was in a psychiatric clinic for severe depression (unfortunately tried unaliving myself and hurt myself) and for anorexia symptoms too. It was very hard to deal with my recovering ED habits, I lost my job and socializing was hard, but I was healing and starting to try living again after I was discharged and was in treatment until my first pain attack came... After this my health, both physical and mental took a turn for the worse and I've been miserable since.

I live with my parents and all I'm feeling is neglected by them. They absolutely know I feel a lot of pain even before I was diagnosed, they say me crying multiple times and lying awake for entire nights and absolutely just never cared for me, never once. Every time I'm with pain they only say for me to take some medicine and wait for it to pass, every single time. They did take me to ER sometimes after I begged but every single time I would just listen they saying: "If you want to go there to just get prickled by needles in vain another time time, fine, I'll take you" and trough these times, most times my boyfriend would spend his money or ask his parents to take me because my parents couldn't be bored, so most times I was only with my boyfriend to give me support. Last month, April, I spent two whole weeks in pain and agony, taking only meds, eating while feeling extreme pain and trying to at least maintain something in my stomach while I was begging for someone to take me to an ER because I was in so much pain and starting to go delirious I couldn't even take an Uber alone. Exactly after 2 weeks feeling pain, I couldn't take it anymore and was so tired, I started breaking down crying so much because of the pain and just screamed to be taken to the ER, I was so tired of the pain that I simply tried to take a knife to hurt me and try to unalive myself, my luck was that my boyfriend was with me at that moment and stopped me, if not I seriously would have tried (I still cried and got extremely mad at him because I was in so much pain I just wanted to end things there to not feel anything anymore and he obviously didn't let me do it). After begging a lot and my boyfriend have tried to take me to an psychiatric ER that was unfortunately closed I was finally taken to a normal ER in the center, there a female doctor who to me was simply an angel finally decided to ask for a tomography after seeing my exams that were extremely altered on my hepatic functions so finally I was transferred to a hospital and spent 3 days there, receiving my diagnosis and was sent home for further exams (that I will do next week yet) that they didn't do there so they could confirm surgery for me. I thought being diagnosed would at least soft my parents, but it didn't. Since my discharge I'm still feeling pain despite being extremely careful and unfortunately I can't control my pain and it's humiliating how I'm treated.

Most times I spend nights awake trying to wait for the pain to go away, I try my maximum to not call anyone and having to go to ER (I hate making people waste their time there with me, I feel horrible) but this night/early morning I was in so much pain I had to ask them to take me and they didn't, they asked me to take meds (I already took prior this and tried to simply sleep the pain off) and watched me the whole time vomiting and crying alone, without doing ANYTHING. I threw up until there was literally nothing more to throw up. I'm now awake writing this after the pain started to stop and is more easy to deal, but this is literally what I have to pass, I have to sleep off my pain almost every time.

My mental health is a wreck now, I lost more weight now than what I lost when I was dealing with my ED and I'm being triggered because I'm doing exactly what I did when I was active with ED, I started eating too little to the point where I prefer to be hungry rather than full to avoid pain. I don't eat until fullness, I go hungry just like I did in the past, I'm restriction everything I eat, I'm living thinking about food that I can't eat and that is severely triggering me to the point that I'm doing everything for my own mind to not treat this as normal. To not treat going hungry just to avoid pain as something good, to not feel like the feeling of being hungry is something absolutely good. I'm feeling exactly like I felt dealing with and Ed but this time is worse because while I was restricting myself, at least it felt like a choice, like I had control, now I'm having to do it all over and it's not even my choice, I'm being forced to remember my pain and past all over again. I'm going into depression again.

I'm sorry for this vent, but I just don't know anymore what to do with how I'm feeling with something that started with a gallbladder problem.