u/Harry_Callahan_sfpd

I know that thoughts are just thoughts and that they come and go, passing in and out of our consciousness randomly throughout the day. And ultimately, thoughts have no real meaning or value (although we can label them and give credence or value to certain thoughts and, in many cases, identify with them). But ultimately they are meaningless.

But what about in those instances when we actively engage our thinking mechanism, that is, when we volitionally choose to think and formulate words and sentences based on our thinking — when we engage with another person, for example, or when we simply talk to ourselves or mumble under our breath the contents of our volitional thinking? Is this type of thought or thinking as unimportant and ultimately meaningless as our random, impulsive thoughts that appear seemingly out of nowhere?

We are told not to identify with or attach to thought, but does that include the process and result of intentional thinking? I mean, for practical purposes, we have to give value to certain things that we think (at least in terms of deciding what is useful or viable to vocalize and what is not); human interaction and indeed daily life revolves around us communicating with one another using spoken words that are first generated in our minds.

The question may be a bit vague, so let me expound on it.

I’m very mindful in daily life — I’m very aware of not only my internal monologue and cognitive movements but also the present moment and the particulars of any given social situation (and this overall mindfulness helps me to respond more appropriately to social needs rather than just react impulsively — and oftentimes negatively or unskillfully).

However, I get confused about how “real” or “transparent” I should be with what I may be thinking in a given situation or what I may be desiring (in terms of actions). The confusion seems to hinge upon skillful vs. unskillful words and actions, but also on honesty vs. dishonesty.

Being so mindful of my mental activity and inner monologue highlights how improper and/or rude/abrasive much of my thinking really is, especially around certain people. Obviously, I can pick and choose which thoughts to verbalize (if any) and which impulses to act on (again, if any), but I oftentimes feel a bit mechanical and/or forced, and, in some cases, even dishonest, especially when my responses are so heavily curated and edited.

I like the idea of being completely genuine and open and honest in my actions and speech, but at the same time, I respect social decorum and polite society enough to willingly adjust and filter my words and actions accordingly.

In my mind, a degree of pretense or fakery is socially useful and necessary for smooth daily social interaction.

Do any of you have standard ways of speaking or acting in situations where you may be thinking or feeling things that would not be socially useful or appropriate to speak or show? Do you simply ignore any unskillful or negative thoughts and/or impulses and instead show or say things that are neutral or positive or some variation thereof, even at the expense of outright transparency or genuineness?

Sorry if this question is a bit vague. It’s a bit difficult to fully articulate my actual problem here. But being so mindful and aware of myself has led me to more fully notice how much “acting” and “ritual” is involved in daily social interaction — and that awareness troubles me a bit, mainly because I don’t like feeling phony or calculated.