I hate successful people
I was a very driven child. Think Hermione Granger on steroids. I was a scholarship kid to a prestigious private school, the lead in every school show. Probably pompous as hell, ngl. Yet somehow I've failed as an adult.
I genuinely never considered that I wouldn't make it as rich and successful. I feel like I did everything I had to do and somehow every effort just fell away. No project came to fruition, no film director cast me in a role, no money magically landed in my lap. I'm nearly 30 and I live pay day to pay day. I know that's super conceited but everyone my whole life told me I would be something. Everything pointed in the direction of me becoming someone important, successful or with a modicum of power.
Unfortunately, and to my great shame, this fills me with writhing hate. I can't stand to hear about anyone's success, friend or enemy. I see very successful people (think famous) at my desk job every day and where I used to feel excited or inspired I get filled with loathing. I can't stand hearing, seeing or supporting my friends achievements because I don't understand why they can't happen to me. I'm so ashamed of this. I love my friends and want to be happy for them, instead I find myself not answering messages and ignoring them because I can't stand how I feel.
Sometimes the jealousy hits me so hard I burst into tears. No one in my life would expect me to be like this. I smile , congratulate, bring cards and flowers but inside I feel like the biggest hater. I often have to picture something awful about them just to make myself survive a wave of jealousy, and then I'm wracked with guilt.
I can't stand this person I'm turning into, it seems to be spiralling out of control. I also have to admit it's worsening as my looks are leaving me with age. I guess I was just secretly vile all along. I cannot tell anyone this so I guess I'll let it out here.
I feel like the idea of living a normal life is killing me, which is so disgusting to admit.