Prayer request for oppression
Before all of this, I truly believed I was a Christian. I had a desire for God, for truth, and for His Word. I loved listening to sermons from John MacArthur, Voddie Baucham, RC Sproul, Paul Washer etc.
9 months ago this suddenly happened. I still struggle to understand how I could be attacked the way I was/am, because what I experienced over the last nine months felt like something just short of demonic possession.
These last nine months were hell. I could not save myself. I felt completely helpless, and it seemed like only God could save me. I believe I was heavily deceived and mentally tormented by demonic oppression. Physically, I was afflicted constantly, with no relief. I could barely control myself. It was the most horrifying experience I have ever endured — beyond words to fully describe and it was surreal as i was aware of everything.
I felt cursed, isolated, rejected, condemned to hell and torment by God. I experienced no comfort, no peace, no joy, and absolutely no emotional or physical connection to the people or things I loved. It was not depression as I had ever experienced; it felt far darker and more terrifying. The hardest part was that I could not hold onto my faith at all and thought God was really tormenting me.
My body was also in a constant state of agitation and akathisia, even without medication. I could barely function. For months I continuously tore my clothes and viciously chewed on my shirts and destroyed everything i got my hands on. I could not stop that behavior. I had blasphemous thoughts almost daily. I consistently talked about the unforgivable sin, which i felt i commited. I could not talk about anything else. I was constantly talking in circles. I mentally could not talk about anything else. I could not grieve or feel emotion — it was as if my emotions had been completely shut off while being fully aware of things happening to me.
While hospitalized for over a month, no medication helped. I was eventually headed toward ECT treatment within days. But things only began to change after prayer. My brother-in-law’s CRC pastor prayed over me on the phone and commanded the demons to be silent and bound. The very next day, something shifted. I had a small amount of faith again. Fairly quickly, I stopped chewing my shirts, the constant agitation began to lessen and completely stop, and the suicidal and homicidal thoughts suddenly stopped. I could function again in basic ways — cooking a meal, taking a shower, doing everyday tasks. Having a conversation that isnt one sided. That was 2 months ago.
Since then, I’ve gone through inner healing prayer sessions and a deliverance session a few days ago. I’m physically exhausted. I still feel disconnected from my emotions, and I’m dealing with physical symptoms that appeared during this time that doctors have struggled to explain.
What i struggle with is if i had the holy spirit in me and i was a true believer, how could this have happened? Also why wasnt i fully possessed and after prayer become better without the help of meds? I feel like it was God working. I struggle with the fact that a Christian could go through something like this.
Believe me or not, what I experienced was completely real to me. I stopped taking my medications and, so far, I have not relapsed. I ask for healing and deliverance. I miss my intimate relationship with my God and my wife. Please pray for me. Thank you